From: Year in Sports One-Man Review Panel.
To: Long-suffering Atlanta masses.
CC: Bruce Levenson (if you are still allowed an e-mail account), Donald Sterling, Danny Ferry, Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Jameis Winston, Roger Goodell, Tony Stewart, U.S. Ryder Cup team, the entire NFC South, U.S. speedskating team, Vladimir Putin, et al.
Subject: The most disturbing sports moments of 2014.
It is that time to wrap up another winless year in Atlanta and an uncomfortable year in general throughout the rest of the sporting firmament.
Seems only right to do it in the guise of an e-mail, since one of the earth-moving stories in town this year demonstrated the lasting punch of the most basic electronic memo. It is a power capable of making a group that drafted Sheldon Williams look even worse.
Reading over the infamous old message from Hawks controlling owner Levenson that lamented the unbearable blackness of the Hawks crowd, it really made you wonder how the rich ever got that way. In his case, I’m guessing a $1 Mega Millions ticket, bought with change rescued from beneath the cushion of a rent-to-own futon.
That e-mail was a franchise re-shaping event. This one, posing as a year-in-review, it a lark. Its inappropriateness is for the reader to decide.
Oh, other forms of communication did have their moments in 2014. (Although we must pause here and give thanks for one thing: Instances of the famous sending out photos of their junk were way down this year.)
Matt Harvey Tweeted a photo of himself offering up a middle finger. He’s a Met, so this certainly wasn’t a “We’re No. 1” salute gone horribly wrong.
Richie Incognito got in a few last shots on Jonathon Martin: “The truth is going to bury you,” the NFL’s most famous bully wrote to all his followers, showing real growth in the intellectual tone of his intimidation.
Noted writer of sports Rick Reilly Tweeted a comparison of Martin Kaymer’s U.S. Open domination to Hitler’s invasion of Germany. Not so noted Colorado Avalanche beat writer Adrian Dater was fired by the Denver Post after some inappropriate Twitter direct messages with a female reader.
But in Atlanta, it was the year of the e-mail. It was Levenson’s now old school message to his partners typed in 2012, but strategically outed this year, that rocked the franchise. As a result, Levenson was to sell his controlling interest in the team and, like former Clippers owner Donald Sterling, take his punishment in the form of millions in profit.
The Hawks deal even may be completed before that inevitable day when Philips Arena is torn down for a new taxpayer-supported coliseum in Buford.
Levenson’s we-need-more-white-people message was but one of a long list of unsettling developments in 2014. And it wasn’t even the only egregious statement coming from the same building. Hawks general manager Ferry remained in executive limbo after his racially/culturally insensitive remarks about Luol Deng were leaked. Exactly when did Andrew Dice Clay take over the Hawks HR department?
Sport can be very good. Ennobling even. This past year we witnessed Mo’ne Davis bending gender at the Little League World Series, major league baseball trying to get it right with instant replay, the Bengals signing Devon Still so he could keep the insurance that helped pay for his daughter’s cancer treatment.
San Francisco pitcher Madison Bumgarner was epic in the World Series.
LeBron James returned to Cleveland, and it didn’t even require a subpoena.
Derek Jeter completed a career filled with enviable conquests, some of them even on the field.
This fantastic fantasy-scape also provides a seemingly ever-increasing array of examples on how not to behave, cautionary episodes that may be as unpleasant to look at as Bob Costas’ Russian pink eye, but are nonetheless valuable lessons. On these reminders of things better off forgotten, we now concentrate.
INFECTION OF THE YEAR: Conjunctivitis.
Costas, NBC’s studio guide through the Sochi Winter Olympics, appeared on set with a case of it gone nuclear. There hasn’t been an eye that red since the premier of “Schindler’s List.” It looked like he was using 40-grit sandpaper to remove his eye shadow.
Otherwise, the Detroit Lions cornered the market for the non-viral bizarre injury. Tight end Joseph Fauria injured his ankle chasing a puppy around the house. And linebacker Stephen Tulloch exploded a knee when jumping up to celebrate a sack of Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers. Detroit would seem a dangerous enough place without all the self-inflicted mayhem.
INFRACTION OF THE YEAR: Writing your name.
Often, it would have been considered a triumph if a college football player could sign his name clearly. At some schools, that’s worth three credit hours. However, Georgia’s Todd Gurley suffered a four-game suspension in an autograph-for-profit NCAA violation. Should players one day actually earn a right to their own names, Gurley may become recognized as the Joan of Arc of college football, only with longer hair.
SOCIETAL TALKING POINT OF THE YEAR: Domestic violence.
Where before we might have turned to the pulpit or the op-ed page to calibrate our moral compass, now it seems we go to sports. In a world where all deep thought pretty much begins and ends at “We’re going to take it one game at a time,” its inhabitants were forced to face some heavy topics.
The gay rights movement moved into the locker room and onto ESPN when Michael Sam became the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. The moment was punctuated by Sam going all “From Here to Eternity” with his significant other during the telecast. Former Hawk Jason Collins joined the Nets in mid-season as the first gay athlete to come out and then actually appear in a regular season game for a major American team. I guess the Nets count as that.
Openly heterosexual running back Adrian Peterson — whose count of children and the mothers who bore them is still in single figures as far as anyone knows — launched a national discussion on all organic spanking. He just works for the wrong super secret organization. Whipping a 4-year-old with a tree branch until he requires a doctor’s care would have been considered downright compassionate if only Peterson was employed by the CIA, not the NFL.
It was Ray Rice’s amazing, ever mutating suspension, though, that dominated every public forum. Once the world saw the video of his conflict resolution technique, the reality of knocking your soul mate out cold was so much more shocking in reality than in concept. At least that’s the way NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell seemed to approach it.
Through it all Goodell was the master of the expedient opinion, dispensing random justice like a Magic 8 Ball dispenses advice.
LOUDMOUTH OF THE YEAR: Richard Sherman.
How many chances in a guy’s life does he get to meet Erin Andrews up close? Do you really want to use that opportunity to rant like a professional wrestler with rabies about the inadequacies of Michael Crabtree? That was the Seattle Seahawks cornerback after the NFC Championship Game in January. After a win. Whatever charm Sherman possessed died a horrible death that day.
DEADLIEST CATCH OF THE YEAR: Crab legs.
Excuse me sir, are those crab legs in your pocket or do you really need to go see an urologist? Jameis Winston was only five months removed from winning the Heisman when he walked out of a Tallahassee Publix with $32 worth of seafood without the customary stop at the cashier. That’s a punchline that just keeps giving.
In second place was Odell Beckham’s one-handed, backward-leaning, spine-readjusting reception in a Giants loss to Dallas (even the French judge gave him a 10.0).
DELUDED DESPOT OF THE YEAR: Vlad Putin.
We should have seen the invasion of the Ukraine coming. The Russian president began going off the rails just before his Winter Olympics, when he claimed to have scored six goals and five assists in a hockey all-star game that featured some former NHL players. Preferring to remain above room temperature, no one on the ice begged to differ.
SNAP OF THE YEAR: Denver Broncos.
The Broncos unveiled the most daring opening play in Super Bowl history: High snap over the first ballot hall of fame quarterback’s head. On Omaha. Break! It worked to perfection. Just like they drew it up — if the Joker was their offensive coordinator. The ball rolled into the endzone, Seattle got a safety and the rout was on.
Close second — the Braves Chris Johnson snapping after a second-inning strikeout against Colorado. He threw such a hissy in the dugout tunnel that manager Fredi Gonzalez took him out of the game. Had every Brave reacted like that after a strikeout, Turner Field would have looked like today’s Roman Coliseum by season’s end.
BREAK-UP OF THE YEAR: Rory McIlroy
Don’t you know that golfers everywhere would dump their hot girlfriends just days after the wedding invitations were mailed if it guaranteed they could shave two strokes off their game? The old “it’s not you, it’s me” could represent the greatest swing aid since that collapsible driver invention. After Rory McIlroy went through his semi-messy parting with tennis’ Caroline Wozniaki in May, he went on a tear, winning two majors and PGA Tour Player of the Year.
Wozniaki bounced back pretty well, too, making it to the U.S. Open final. Only after effect — she developed a sudden, mysterious aversion to shrimp.
WHIFF OF THE YEAR: B.J. Upton.
Take that however you wish. He did strike out a lot. And, yes, there was a distinctive odor of desperation whenever he was at the plate.
CHEER OF THE YEAR: “I believe that we will win!”
Not: “I am sure that we will win!”
Not: “I guarantee that we will win!”
Not: “Damn skippy, we will win!”
It is the cheer adopted by groups that know deep down they have no chance whatsoever of winning. Hence it became the rallying cry behind the 2014 U.S. World Cup team.
ENDANGERED SPECIES OF THE YEAR: The Atlanta general manager.
The Braves Frank Wren was canned at season’s end. The Hawks Ferry went on a really long leave. The Falcons Thomas Dimitroff was, as of publication time, on life support. Upper level sports management in this town has become a more tenuous position than that of Justin Bieber’s life coach. Makes a guy almost glad he has a dead end job with little responsibility and even less pay. Lack of ambition never looked so good.
WEATHER-RELATED CASUALTY OF THE YEAR: The Eisenhower Tree.
Georgia’s winter ice storms did what Dwight Eisenhower never could — bring down the inconvenient loblolly pine on the 17th fairway at Augusta National. The old general hated that tree almost as much as he hated Joe McCarthy. Unlike McCarthy, the tree was far left.
The other leading candidate was the New York Jets at Buffalo game that had to be moved to Detroit because of mountainous snowfall. When Buffalo shuts down because of snow, it may be time to start stocking up on the non-perishables and ammunition.
MOST TELLING SIGN THAT WE’RE ON THE ROAD TO RUIN OF THE YEAR: Athletic scholarships for video gamers.
Robert Morris, a university in Chicago, began a varsity video game team, complete with scholarships.
Not to say that it was easy going this unconventional route. Imagine the effort it took to add the Doritos bar to the training table, to take a few Cybex machines out of the weight room and replace them with vintage Sega Galaga games and to build a practice facility that approximated the look like their parents’ basements.
FASHION STATEMENT OF THE YEAR: Ugly college football uniforms.
The trend only accelerated this season — that of throwing out those stirring, traditional uniform colors and suiting up in rags that suggested the players were doing Oklahoma drills in radioactive waste before the game.
ANGRY OLD MAN OF THE YEAR: California Chrome owner Steve Coburn.
“I’m 61 years old, and in my lifetime, I’ll never see another Triple Crown winner because of the way they do this,” Coburn grumbled after his horse became the latest in the line to fall short of a Triple Crown in the last leg.
He was mightily upset that a horse that hadn’t run in the first two Triple Crown races came in fresh and won the Belmont. “A coward’s way out,” he harrumphed. Or just the rules, according to how one cares to look at it.
He also demanded that those darn jockeys get off his lawn.
TEFLON MAN OF THE YEAR: Cobb County Commission Chairman Tim Lee.
Got to give the guy his due. He could knock down an orphanage to make way for a Ruby Tuesday or pave over a confederate cemetery for a Starbuck’s parking lot, and tell the voters with conviction that it was for their own good. Ducking a few ethics issues for the way he back-doored the Braves move to his county was child’s play.
You can really get things done in this world if you never let open debate stand in the way of progress. There’s a new county motto in there somewhere.
This concludes a rather lengthy e-mail (looks like I’ll have to send it as an attachment).
Please read but under no circumstances forward to any of the surviving Atlanta Spirit owners. They’ve proven they can use these things to poison wells and lay waste to people far more well-connected than a sportswriter.
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