This past weekend Russia’s premier state-controlled television station interrupted regularly scheduled programming — I’m thinking it was “Real Babushkas of Minsk” — for some terrific news. It reported that their dear leader Vladimir Putin had just rung up six goals and five assists in a hockey exhibition that featured even a few former NHL players.
His team escaped with a 21-4 victory. The opposing coach escaped a life of 8-and-under clinics in Siberia.
By the looks of some of the highlights, everyone on the ice pretty much stayed away from Putin as if he were as radioactive as Chernobyl. His slapshot, so slow it looked like it was travelling through a school zone, was mysteriously unstoppable. But it fed his ego, and that’s the important thing when you’re trying to annex the Ukraine.
With that performance, Putin, who also favors various outdoor activities in which shirts are optional, climbed to No. 5 on the all-time ranking of Delusional Despots Who Think They Have Game.
Here is his competition.
No. 4 The Emperor Commodus: He fancied himself both the god Hercules and one great gladiator. He was undefeated in make-believe battle until that fateful day in 192 when advisers had him strangled by a champion wrestler. The wrestler had to dispatch the Emperor with his hands since this was before the folding chair was invented.
No. 3 Hugo Chavez: The late dictator may have taken Venezuela down a path of ruin. He may have spit in America's eye. But, as he once said in an interview, "I am still the young baseball player who wanted to play in the Yankee Stadium." He never possessed Castro's curveball (the Cuban leader was once offered a contract by the New York Giants). But Chavez had the benefit of knowing that had he achieved his dream, he still would have been more popular than A-Rod.
No. 2 Idi Amin: Bloodthirsty leader of Uganda in the 1970s. Reputed cannibal. In 1974, long after his competitive prime, Amin came out of the stands to challenge the Ugandan national boxing coach. In a dive that Sonny Liston would have envied, the coach went down like he was shot. Which was Plan B.
No. 1 Kim Jong-Il: The man who put the crazy in North Korea, the one who is at least one of the voices inside son Kim Jong-un's head, was the undisputed master of sports fiction. In 1994, Kim Jong-Il officially opened the 7,000-yard Pyongyang Golf Club (where the minefields are in play). North Korea media reported that he shot a 38-under, with 11 holes in one. He then retired from the game in order to spare it further embarrassment.
Sorry, Vladimir. The top spot is out of reach, even for you.
About the Author
