You want to know the best way to help your kids achieve a great relationship in their own adult lives? All you have to do is model a good relationship for them.
How you and your partner treat each other will form how your children choose their own partners, whether they like it or not.
This is serious stuff.
If a child is brought up in a home where the parents cheat, it will be hard for that child to trust others later on in life. Those children tend to fear in their adult lives that their spouse will do the same thing their parents did. Any romantic relationship or close friendship is automatically suspect, and they end up living in a world of deception and anxiety.
If you and your partner speak with raised voices, yell, or behave disrespectfully toward each other, it will affect your children. You need to learn to communicate in a way that doesn’t have toxic fallout. Some couples just get used to it, and unfortunately so will their children. When the kids become used to their parents treating each other poorly, they will learn that these negative behaviors are simply part of relationships. In fact, they may come to expect them.
Being close and exhibiting closeness sends the opposite message. That’s one reason why it’s important to have dinner together as a family whenever possible. I know this gets harder as the kids get older, but you can continue to make this a priority. Studies have shown that families who dine together are closer, and the kids fare better in school and in life.
I also like to add family movie nights to this. A wonderful thing happens when everyone is hanging out together. It’s bonding, and the only thing that makes it better is when you are all cuddling and just feeling the love. At some point, the kids may decline — and that’s OK — just as long as the two of you keep it up. I have a friend whose college-age, football-playing children still love to cuddle up — and you can really feel the love in the room, so don’t let it go if you don’t have to.
Just being there for your partner isn’t enough. You have to engage in positive ways and in front of the kids, and every now and then, it can help to give each other a big kiss, even if your kids respond, “Oh gross!”
By the way, you can gauge your closeness by how you treat your animals. If you give your pets more attention than your partner, it’s time for a tuneup. Do it now before you need major work.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person & video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
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