How to cope when loved one is unemployed

I know from my conversations with reluctant job seekers that they experience an awful mix of shame, guilt and powerlessness -- and that they feel nagged when someone else asks even the simplest question.

But they also want support and trust from their loved ones, which are difficult to offer if you can’t have a calm conversation with someone. Finding employment would seem like the best way to rebalance the household scales, but that brings us back to the job seeker who can’t seem to start.

In my experience, the job seeker’s loved ones play the most difficult role, as they can’t control the situation but must live with it anyway. Since spouses bear the brunt of this problem, I’ll focus my admittedly imperfect advice on the partners of unemployed workers.

1. Take care of your relationship. Unemployment can bring terrific stress to a partnership; if the stress goes on too long, a new job may not be enough to heal the rifts. With this in mind, you and your partner will need to decide early on that your relationship is important enough to protect.

One key is communication. Oddly enough, you may find less communication is better than more, or at least, less casual communication when it comes to the job search process. I frequently hear from job seekers that they dread the nightly report to a spouse returning from work, “No, nothing new today. Thanks for asking.” Likewise, I hear from spouses how shut out they feel, and confused about a seeming lack of effort. (“What is she/he doing all day?”)

A partial solution could be a regular weekly meeting in which the job seeker provides the highlights and challenges of the week’s activity and the spouse gets to ask questions and understand what is happening. During the rest of the week, conversation and activities can stay focused on lighter topics, giving both people a respite.

2. Make a plan. Early in those weekly meetings, one key point needs to be worked out: How long can the job search continue before the money runs out? This will not be a fun meeting, but neither will leaving these points unexplored lend itself to harmonious relations.

I know there is a sense of powerlessness that comes with unemployment, and people often challenge the idea that a time limit can be placed on a job search. Even so, both partners need to know the stakes: If it goes past x, we’ll be broke; if it goes past y, we’ll be homeless. What are we going to do to prevent that? The earlier that conversation is held, the earlier solutions such as part-time jobs or the sale of assets can be used to ward off disaster.

3. Get outside assistance. Whether you check in monthly with a spiritual adviser, make weekly trips to a job support group, or use an outside counselor to provide perspective, things will likely go better when you get help. Mental health providers and family physicians should not be overlooked as you build this support network, particularly if either of you has issues with depression or anxiety.

4. Take care of yourself. Depending on finances, you may find yourself working extra shifts or giving up things that you enjoy in order to balance the budget. You also may be isolating yourself, particularly if your unemployed spouse is unwilling to see others socially. Or you may be curtailing conversations with your friends to keep from discussing the situation at home.

While these are understandable responses to the unemployment, they’re not sustainable. You need more support, not less right now, and more balance in your daily activities. It may take some creative thinking if finances are tight, but you will need to find things that interest you and supportive people to talk to. With luck, your spouse will get new work quickly; even so, this is one situation where it’s better to prepare for a marathon than a sprint.

Amy Lindgren owns Prototype Career Service, a career consulting firm in St. Paul. She can be reached at alindgren@prototypecareerservice.com or at 626 Armstrong Ave., St. Paul, MN 55102.