For children, making sense of the murders in Charleston last week will take conversations with parents, many of whom may struggle to understand the carnage themselves, experts say.
Children should be allowed to drive the conversation, allowing parents to see what they already know and answer their questions. The issues are heavy — racial hatred, mental illness and recent incidents involving excessive force and killings involving police officers.
“Let them say what they know first,” said Ray Horwitz, an Atlanta-area psychotherapist. “Kids can sympathize, and come up with some amazing ideas of their own. Hear what they have to say. Usually, they just want to ask a couple questions of their own.”
The situation in Charleston is like no other because the alleged shooter, Dylann Storm Roof, has been charged with nine counts of first-degree murder in an incident that’s being called anything from a hate crime to domestic terrorism. He began his rampage after sitting through Bible study with 12 parishioners at historic Emanuel AME Church.
It’s impossible to discuss the shooting without touching on race or hate, said David Karol Gore, a clinical psychologist and family therapist who practices in Atlanta.
“Are we telling our kids … that hate exists, that bad things happen?” Gore said. “You need to hear that when one group of people hate another group of people, bad stuff happens.”
In a classroom setting, children should be engaged in group conversations, allowing them to contribute what they already know to helping their fellow students learn. Usually, Horwitz said, there’s always one or two students with more knowledge than their other classmates. A teacher, having brought themselves up to speed on the situation, would fill in any gaps.
“They’re going to take it as law anything you’re going to say,” he said.
Gore’s 9-year-old son came to him after reading about the shootings in the newspaper.
“He asked questions, I answered them,” he said. “I asked questions. With clients’ kids, I preach to them to talk. You’re not going to mess the kids up.”
In schools, the focus would be more on dealing with the effects of the event rather than the event itself, said Vasanne Tinsley, the director of student support programs for DeKalb County Schools. Tinsley said the focus should be on reassuring students that they are safe in school.
Parents are the first line of defense, as it’s their duty to control how the information is shared with their children, Tinsley said.
Often times, Tinsley said, parents come to the school seeking a counselor to speak individually with a student, looking for signs of anxiety related to an event. If parents feel helpless in broaching the subject of a tragedy with their child, support staffers can offer assistance.
Adults should be aware of what has taken place before having a conversation, Horwitz stresses. Conversations should be tailored to things children know about, such as bullying, tolerance and acceptance of people who are different from them.
It’s important to refrain from adding too many elements to the discussion, Horwitz said.
“[Charleston] has happened in the wake of a lot of injustices involving African Americans,” he said, mentioning the cases of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Mo., and Freddie Gray in Baltimore, where officers are accused using excessive force that led to the mens’ deaths.
“You want to connect the two, but they’re two different venues. One is involving law enforcement, and the other is terrorism.”
And don’t over-explain, Gore said.
“When you talk about heavy-duty subjects like sex or death, it usually goes right over their heads,” if you try too hard to explain, Gore said.
“If you’re all uptight about it, you might need to get in a better place,” he said. “The most important thing in this is your own attitude and level of comfort in talking about difficult things. Kids need to know how to interpret these events. The best place to get these understood is through mom and dad’s eyeballs and mouth.”
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