On a recent Sunday at Studio Movie Grill in Alpharetta, a showing of "Colombiana" – the story of a woman who becomes an assassin after witnessing the murder of her parents– led to as much conflict inside the theater as on screen.
A woman at the afternoon show was asked to leave when the three children accompanying her became disruptive. She refused. Minutes later, an usher returned with a security guard and asked her to leave again. The woman became even more incensed -- refusing, protesting and cursing. Other moviegoers looked on or moved away.
When contacted for a response, Studio Movie Grill provided a company policy indicating that management first gives a verbal warning depending on the nature of the disturbance, but reserves the right to remove any unruly guest from the theater.
It happens. Children misbehave. Parents, however, are supposed to be in control.
"Children are really not supposed to behave well. They are supposed to test boundaries and limits to learn how life works," said Bob Lancer, an Atlanta parenting expert and author of "Parenting With Love, Without Anger Or Stress" (Parenting Solutions). "The parent's response is what teaches children how to align their behavior with their needs and interests."
Someone might have shared that with Donnetta Foster, 20, who on Wednesday was sentenced to 12 months for disorderly conduct. Foster avoided jail time with probation, 40 hours of community service and classes in parenting and anger management.
Foster was at a Decatur library last fall when her then 14-month-old son began making noises. Foster refused to leave and cursed and complained when a police officer was called to escort her out. After more protesting, she was arrested and handcuffed.
Harsh? Maybe. But when a child misbehaves in public, a parent has limited options for addressing it properly.
"When [a child] is behaving improperly in a public setting, if you cannot calm him down, he has to be removed and it is not as a punishment, it is to protect him or her from developing irresponsible social behavior patterns," Lancer said. "It shouldn't be done with anger or condemning or scolding. It just means that the child hasn't learned how to behave in public."
It is a parent's responsibility, Lancer said, to know when a child has had enough, to avoid an environment that is overstimulating for a child, and most important, as an adult, to stay cool even when you may feel anything but calm.
"You can't teach your child better self-control if you are not in control," Lancer said. "You cannot teach effectively when you are impatient." Even young children, he said, are deeply impressed by the behaviors they observe.
Krystyn Hall, a Marietta based graphic designer and mom blogger (www.reallyareyouserious.com), posted an entry about her own battle to stay calm during a family vacation to Savannah in spring 2010. She and her husband were waiting for a pricey seafood dinner at a riverfront restaurant when one of their two toddlers had a minor outburst. When it happened again, Hall's husband scooped the toddler up and took her outside. Hall, still at the table with her other daughter, overheard adults at the next table griping about people who bring children to restaurants.
"It turned into a disaster," Hall said. "We were doing what we should do as parents, and kids are going to be kids. You can’t prevent them from doing that. You just manage it the best way you can."
After careful consideration, Hall decided to approach the table, but first she checked her emotions. "I said, if I get up right now this isn’t going to be good," she said. "I sat there ... and rehearsed it, then went up to them and said what I needed to say." Hall told the diners she could deal with her screaming child but not them talking about her as if she weren't there. She and her husband had their food packed up, paid the bill and ate dinner at the hotel.
Staying calm, she said, isn't easy to do whether you are dealing with rude adults or misbehaving children. "It is easy to lose your cool in that situation, but you are an adult. And there are consequences to your actions," Hall said.
In some cases, business owners or management may step in to remedy a situation. At Dakota Blue, a Grant Park restaurant known for its family friendly atmosphere, particularly on Friday nights, owner Alan Conner has no problem telling his under 18 patrons when their behavior needs an upgrade.
"The kids in my restaurant are joy. For the most part, [they] are just having fun," said Conner. "One thing we do a little different is just say to the kids, ‘No, you can’t do that.' Kids are people and if the person is acting up... I don’t mind saying, ‘Hey, don’t do that' and most kids just listen."
Librarians in the 34 branch Atlanta-Fulton Public Library system try to foster respect by building personal relationships with each child,said Mary Starck, branch group manager and coordinator of children and youth services. Designated areas and programs such as story and craft hours are designed to help children stay occupied while in the library, but when someone does act up, the code of conduct helps library staff react.
“The code of conduct gives good specific guidelines that says people using the library cannot shout or disrupt others," Starck said. If a child's behavior becomes unmanageable, the library tries to contact a parent or caregiver to come and get the child, she said.
Because it is parents – even stressed out, less than calm parents – that are responsible for modeling and encouraging good behavior in their children. "The parent is responsible for forming responsible behavior patterns," Lancer said, "otherwise you are not parenting, you are just hanging out with the child."
What to do if you see a child behaving badly
As a general rule, unless there is someone in danger or someone suffering, maintain your own peace and poise, said Lancer. Try not to get swept into an intense situation. Remain calm and aware and only intervene if someone is being hurt or threatened with harm.
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