ADVICE FOR PARENTS
For more than 30 years, Emory University psychology professor Marshall Duke has given an annual speech to auditoriums full of nervous parents preparing to leave their child at the university. Here are some of his top tips:
- Prepare meaningful parting words for your child ("I love you," "I'm proud of you," "I'll always be there for you") or write a handwritten letter to express your feelings. If you are too emotional to say what you want to say in the moment, once you are at your hotel or back home and have a quiet moment, sit down and write a letter about this big moment. Send the letter in the mail. Your child will treasure it.
- Don't change your child's room for at least the first year at school — they may need a safe haven.
- Don't expect daily contact or initiate it.
- If you want to go to family weekend at the college, don't ask your child if he or she wants you to go. They will say no — but in reality, they will really appreciate you being there.
- Don't expect the same grades your child had in high school — college doesn't produce nearly as many A's as some parents and students are accustomed to.
- When a problem arises, move like your feet are stuck in molasses — give your child a chance to solve the problem independently.
A HELPFUL ANALOGY
Laci Weeden, director of the Parents Program at Georgia Tech, uses a tandem bicycle analogy to help parents embrace this next step in life:
- When your child was younger, you sat in the front and steered the bicycle, you pedaled, and you most likely determined the destination; all while your child was on the back, their feet couldn't reach the pedals, and they enjoyed the ride. You helped guide their path by suggesting music lessons, soccer, science camp, etc.
- As they got older, their legs got longer and they were able to finally pedal and perhaps make some recommendations as to a destination. They shared what their interests were and what they wanted to do. Perhaps they shared that they didn't want to do soccer anymore, but showed interest in playing a musical instrument instead. They were contributing to their journey.
- Now that your student is in college, you will switch seats. The roles will change and the student will be on the front of the bike steering their own course, finding their own path in life, pedaling — and you the parent or family member are right there with them on the bike — pedaling, supporting and cheering.
Four years ago, Casie and David Hughes sent their oldest child, Cate, off to college. Three years later, their middle child, Ellen, reached this major milestone.
And on a recent afternoon, the Hugheses helped their youngest child, John, get settled into his dorm room and begin his next stage in life at Guilford College in North Carolina.
As John, 18, started unpacking and hanging up posters — one of Audrey Hepburn, another one featuring the Lincoln Memorial — his parents felt a mix of emotions: nervousness, excitement, pride — but also sadness.
“When we say goodbye, it’s like I am leaving a piece of my heart here,” said Casie Hughes, unable to hold back tears. “They are more independent when they go to college, as they should be, and you want them to be independent. But it’s hard.”
It was a big moment for the Decatur family. Like parents of college-aged students everywhere, parting ways marked the beginning of letting go, a fundamental shift in the family dynamic. The Hugheses are now empty nesters.
College counselors and other representatives are keenly aware of just how difficult it can be for parents to transition from a family of four or five to, little by little, a family of two — without children. Through speeches, PowerPoint presentations and one-on-one conversations, they cover everything from resisting daily communication to letting students solve their own problems.
For more than 30 years, Emory University psychology professor Marshall Duke has given an annual speech to auditoriums full of nervous parents dropping off their kids at college. First of all, Duke said, it’s important for parents to know the fear, anxiety, sadness — all of it is normal.
“Change is always hard,” Duke said. “When someone is going off to college, it is a big change and separation is always marked by a bit of sadness. I tell parents: You have to know, feeling nothing is the worst because that would mean you wouldn’t have a connection to that child.”
Duke said leaving children at college gives parents a special opportunity to say things to children that will stick.
"What thoughts, feelings and advice do you want to stick?" Duke says in his speech. "'Always make your bed!' 'Don't wear your hair like that!' Surely not. This is the moment to tell them the big things. Things you feel about them as children, as people. … Big things. Life-level things." (To see one of Duke's speeches, go to www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QRBLuDqqfLI.)
Laci Weeden is director of Georgia Tech’s Parents Program, which provides parents with information and resources to help them stay connected to their children. Weeden encourages parents to send letters and care packages, and to use email, texting and phone calls to keep in touch. (She tells parents on average, college students communicate with their parents, whether it’s a phone call, text or Facebook, two to three times a week.)
One of the major points on the PowerPoint presentation: Try not to worry too much; you did a great job getting them here.
Sometimes, the theme of letting go applies to counselors, too. Duke recently gave his last annual speech. He is not retiring but wants someone more familiar with the role of technology — Facebook, tweeting, etc. — in today’s college experience to take over the speech.
Experts say adjusting to being empty nesters takes time, several years even. And they add that it can be an exciting time for couples — an opportunity to travel, start a new hobby, have more time for walking, cooking, etc.
Casie Hughes is glad she started a new career in real estate a couple of years ago. Her new profession requires a lot of focus and creative energy. And the timing, as it turns out, is perfect.
She also looks forward to being more spontaneous.
“I do look forward to traveling at the spur of the moment and not worrying about getting dinner on the table or getting kids to soccer practice,” she said.
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