So we head down the stretch of another successful investment season here at Weekend Predictions, where, without the advantage of a bagged elected official nor even tricky math — like, $0 plus $300 million equals $0. Wait. What? — we’ve again lined your holiday Big Wheels with sheepskin seat covers, as opposed to Cobb County commissioner Helen Goreham, who is destined to line taxpayers with something quite different from the sheep.
Long-shot updates: An online sportsbook increased the odds of the Falcons winning the Super Bowl to 750-1, which still is a safer investment than anything the Falcons and Braves have pitched from passing medicine wagons.
The latest: Goreham said Cobb County will fund the Braves’ proposed new Valhalla with only $300 million in public money, not $450 million as previously reported, so it’s almost like change between the couch cushions, notwithstanding that the school board had an $86.4 million budget deficit and 182 teacher jobs were lost and the teachers who’ve managed to keep their jobs were furloughed, and I’m guessing police and firefighters will find all of his interesting, and there’s also a few potholes on Atlanta Road, and …
Hey, notice how sports kind of make politicians really dumb? I mean, they speak in complete sentences and act smart with a spreadsheet and a power point. But give them a jersey and an autographed baseball and promise them a luxury suite to watch a Marlins game and suddenly they morph into a blithering, drooling 13-year-old girl as if Justin Bieber just walked by.
Hey, somebody go check with Gwinnett County to see how that $25 million — oops, $64 million — “investment” in a Braves’ minor-league stadium worked out. (So it turns out the Braves are really good at selling fantasy. Unfortunately, they also sign holograms in the free-agent market.)
“There will not be any increase in our property taxes,” Goreham said.
She’s funny.
Cobb will reallocate $8.67 million annually from existing property taxes for a baseball stadium with vibrating seats and martini bars because THAT’S what every homeowner really wants — to provide funding for multibillion corporations such as the Braves’ Liberty Media that can afford to build their own stadiums. Nobody wants tax revenue to pay teachers or fix potholes.
When is the train to Candyland, Helen?
You know what we need in Atlanta? A unicorn tax.
Meanwhile, Georgia plays Auburn this week. It’s the “Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry.”
Georgia plays in a stadium built in 1929. Auburn plays in a stadium built in 1939. How did they ever make it this far?
The Bulldogs fantasize about a possible SEC East title. Probably not happening. They also believe the defense has turned the corner. Maybe also fantasy. Wins over the remains of Florida and Appalachian State don’t prove much.
Auburn isn’t a great team, but it can run the ball. A healthy Todd Gurley could tip things, but I’ve seen too much wreckage on the other wise of the line. And another Todd (Grantham) captains that wreckage.
The dream ends here: Auburn beats Georgia and covers 3 1/2.
COLLEGE DAZE
Anybody at Georgia State: Wonder how many times Panthers coach Trent Miles felt the need to do a head count coming back from bye week. Louisiana-Lafayette covers 21 1/2.
Florida at South Carolina: Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley said this week, "I'm 1,000 percent convinced that Will Muschamp is the guy to lead this football program." OK. So we might know why the math in the school's offense is off. Gamecocks cover 13 1/2.
Miami at Duke: Just when Miami was getting cocky about being 7-0 and skating on multiple NCAA felonies, they lost consecutive games to Florida State and Virginia Tech by a combined score of 83-38. So what happens if the Canes get punched by the quiet kid with the slide rule in his back pocket? Oh, why not: Dukies pull the upset (take the 3).
Alabama at Mississippi St.: Former Miss Alabama Katherine Webb is pushing her boyfriend, AJ McCarron, for the Heisman Trophy. Well, that should lock up the dirty-old-man vote. Tide wins, but take Other Dogs and 25 1/2.
Kentucky at Vanderbilt: The Wildcats have lost 13 consecutive conference games and 16 of 20 overall. Coach Mark Stoops sent a message to fans: "Stay with this team." I'm sure they'll get the voicemail after the Final Four. Commies cover 12 1/2.
NFL SIX-PACK
Falcons at Swashbucklers: The first 10,000 fans will receive blindfolds and a last cigarette. Actually, Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff might want to grab a blindfold. Better that than to look at the salary-cap hit if he was thinking of cutting Sam Baker. He's injured. Again. Got blocks? Bucs win, take the gift 1 1/2.
49ers at Saints: I know Colin Kaepernick is into kissing his biceps, but he threw for 91 yards and an interception last week against Carolina. Oh, relationships. At some point the bicep is going to have to give the, "It's not you, it's me" speech. Saints cover 3.
Packers at Giants: The Giants have won three consecutive since starting 0-6. Falcons fans, this is what it looks like when a team doesn't lay down. No Aaron Rodgers, so: Giants win and cover 5 1/2.
Redskins at Eagles: Nick Foles: 16 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 0 fumbles, 132.5 rating. Michael Vick: 5 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 2 fumbles, 86.5 rating, 1 bad hamstring and a major dose of humility. Eagles cover 3 1/2.
Chiefs at Broncos: Kansas City is 9-0 against teams with a combined record of 30-54 (none with a winning record). Wonder if they get a tax deduction, too. The run ends here: Denver wins, but take the Chiefs and 8 1/2.
SCOREBOARD
Last week: 11-1 straight up, 9-3 against the line.
Overall: 101-25 straight up, 72-52-2 against the line.
Lilly's pick (7-4): This week's Lilly game is Auburn vs. Georgia. The pictures: Todd Grantham vs. Auburn QB Nick Marshall, a true test of Lilly's loyalty to canines. But with cheese on both pictures, she went left — to Grantham. Dogs win.
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