There is a big difference between wants and needs. It’s like the difference between appetite and hunger. Wanting something, even craving it, falls into the realm of appetite, whereas having a real need for something is like experiencing true hunger.
We all have needs. When you are asking your partner for something, you must not mistake wants for needs, or you’ll soon find yourself in the same predicament as the little boy who cried wolf. Your partner will eventually stop responding to your cries for help and won’t be there when you actually need them. Make sure that your needs are real, and the person you love will be inspired to meet them.
When we truly need something and express those needs, the people who care for us feel it and are inspired to take action to help us. Similarly, when our loved ones are in need, we do our best to rise to the occasion. But beware that if you are wanting something “just because,” your partner will be less than inspired to respond. If your partner feels that what you’re asking for is unnecessary or frivolous, they will be less willing to make changes. You need to identify your true needs so as not to frustrate your partner or overwhelm your relationship.
The difficult part is identifying what you need versus what you want. For example, say your partner is hard at work on something, and you would rather they stop and listen to you instead. Is what you are asking a want or a need? Well, it depends.
Here’s a hint: Your wants are something you can usually resolve within yourself and not necessarily something your partner has to give you. So if you are asking your partner to stop working because you’d rather they listen to you right then, then it’s something you want. If it’s because you just cut your finger badly and the bleeding won’t stop, well…you get the picture.
Separating your needs from your wants can be challenging because they may feel the same to you. It can be easy to get so caught up in our desires that we believe we need whatever it is we’re asking of our partner. If you are confusing your wants with your needs, and constantly thinking that your needs are not being met, you will not find happiness or balance with your partner. If something you’re not getting seems like a relationship breaker, please take a closer look at your motivation.
Making sure your needs are reasonable — and expressing them reasonably — is key to getting them met. Once you have decided what it is you need from your partner, you must express what it is. When you have a need in your relationship that isn’t being fulfilled, chances are it won’t get met if you don’t give it a voice. And if you expect someone to read your mind, you most likely won’t get what you need.
Expressing your needs should always be done nicely. Be careful not to blame your partner for anything. This shouldn’t be a complaint session. Remember, your partner doesn’t know what you need until you say what it is, so please don’t whine about feeling neglected. This is about honestly and reasonably stating what your needs are so that you will have a greater chance of having them answered.
Getting comfortable with stating and sharing your needs is an important part of bonding, and it all starts with a sincere conversation.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com
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