I recently received a question from someone on my mailing list — not a client (so I don’t know their details intimately) but a person who seeks dating advice, and that question was this:
“Is it good to have some secrets in a relationship? Isn’t that one of the many things that attracts a person… a little mystery? Are there things that you should always keep to yourself?”
My response to this person was fairly simple.
“‘Mystery’ sounds like playing games to me. A person who wants to be with you shouldn’t only want you when you hold back. Communication is the key to making relationships work, not perceived mystery.”
Expressions like “the thrill of the chase” or “hard to get” have stayed in our dating lexicon, sadly. And they are often referred to as something positive, especially in the early stages of dating, before you’re in an established relationship.
Many people believe that acting distant or not being available to make plans will make someone like them more. Their rationale is, “I don’t want to make it too easy for someone” or “I want them to work for it.”
Can this strategy make you more desirable in the short term?
I suppose … to people who only want the chase and not the prize (you!). It may also work with people who are more insecure, because your aloofness feeds into their insecurity. Some see this uncertainty as “excitement.” I see it as a game.
In fact, author Neil Strauss made a name for himself with his book “The Game,” teaching men how to pick up women with tips and tricks, like ending a conversation early to leave her wanting more. Negging, a manipulative tactic that involves giving someone a backhanded compliment, might fit into this category as well.
But, if you’re looking for a long-term, committed relationship, then you want to be with the person who appreciates your ability to communicate your feelings — not withhold them.
While I don’t think it’s necessary to share every intimate detail of previous relationships, I would never condone hiding things simply for the sake of hiding them. That hurts both people in the relationship.
The thing that keeps most relationships working, or not working, is communication. Sharing things, bringing things up when they’re on your mind, not harboring resentment, asking for what you want, telling your partner when something is bothering you, sharing your love with your partner — and the list goes on. Every lie, or, in this case, omission, will come out. You should be the one to let it out.
Relationships are never easy. Don’t make it even harder on yourself by continuing to perpetuate a false assumption that leaving someone wanting more makes you more desirable. At a certain point, this behavior gets frustrating, making your partner wonder why you can’t just let your walls down and be you … the full, honest you.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter for updates and tips.
About the Author