A single longform, heartfelt conversation — is that too much for a parent to hope for?
From the distraction-prone hyperactivity of adolescence to the emotional angst of their teen years, sometimes kids just don’t want to talk. For parents looking to learn a little more about their kid’s inner world, it’s a tough task.
What if, to get through to your child on a deeper level, you didn’t need to have those long chats after all? According to family therapy expert Timothy Davis, Ph.D. — author of “Challenging Boys: A Proven Plan for Keeping Your Cool and Helping Your Son Thrive” — smaller talks can lead to bigger gains.
Small chats beat long talks
Davis, a psychologist with more than 25 years experience working with families, recently penned key parenting advice in his Psychology Today column. According to his “25 1-minute conversations” parenting rule, children are more receptive to smaller chats than longer ones.
“It’s better to have 25 1-minute conversations than one 25-minute conversation,” he wrote. “It’s often our instinct as parents to try to have a long conversation where an issue is discussed thoroughly and a resolution is reached. This approach usually backfires with kids. It works much better to take that long conversation and break it down into smaller chunks.”
Long talks can often feel like lectures to children. Back in 2018, psychologist, author and parenting expert Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., explained how lecturing simply doesn’t work with kids. Long and frequent lectures can make them feel defensive, even resentful. If discomforting enough, they’ll tune out of the conversations entirely.
According to Davis, chopping up those chats into shorter talks can help your child avoid the feeling of being lectured to. When speaking to kids about difficult topics, they can also become easily overwhelmed. Shorter chats can minimize that discomfort.
How to have more chats with your children
Davis’ rule is about more than shortening your chats, though. If you want to have more enriching conversations with your child, then every brief talk has to serve two purposes.
Each time, you should learn something about your child’s life while also making a positive experience for them. To make that happen, choose your time to talk wisely.
“We often make the mistake of trying to get our kids to talk about their feelings in the middle of a meltdown,” Davis wrote. “It makes sense; they are upset, and we want to know why. It just doesn’t work. Car rides or bedtime can be good opportunities because you’re together but not necessarily face-to-face, which can reduce pressure.”
The conversation should begin from a neutral, gentle place. Once you are speaking to them, take a moment to listen. You should prioritize hearing their perspective before saying your peace.
“When your child does share, focus on understanding and accepting their feelings without judgment or criticism,” he wrote. “Validation (communicating to the child that their feelings make sense) is a powerful tool for increasing your child’s receptivity to your perspective later.”
Instead of opening up, are they shutting the conversation down? If your child is resisting a chat with you, remain calm and give them their space. This will require gentle persistence to see through to the end.
“Remember, developing emotional intelligence is a marathon, not a sprint,” he said. “By honoring your child’s pace and creating positive associations with emotional conversations, you’re giving them tools that will benefit them throughout their lives.”
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