Like it or not, dating apps and websites seem to be the way to meet new people and potential matches these days. While I’ve seen plenty of happy relationships and marriages start by this modern means, I’ve also heard all the shortcomings: “There are too many catfish”; “It takes up too much time”; “I’m not getting the matches I’m looking for.” You get it.
I hate to be the person to tell you this, but the problem might not be the dating app … it might be you. Here are a few reasons online dating “isn’t working” for you, and how to turn that around and start on a path to success.
Having no profile (or a bad profile)
There is really no point in having a dating profile at all if there’s little to no information about yourself in it. Online dating requires effort. In other words, how can you expect the person of your dreams is just going to send a message when they know nothing about you and have to rely on the photos alone? You’ll get little activity with this tactic.
Having a generic profile
Having read a lot of profiles (and that’s an understatement), I can tell you that just about everyone enjoys traveling and the outdoors. They’re also all looking for a partner in crime. And, of course, they’re all honest, kind and love to laugh. Unfortunately, that tells the person who is reading your profile very little, if anything, about you. What makes you unique? Maybe it’s that you sewed your own living room curtains or that you won your town’s Halloween costume contest. (Of course, there’s nothing wrong with traveling and the outdoors, but get a bit more specific: How do you like to spend that time outdoors? Where is your favorite place you’ve traveled?)
Listing all the things you’re not looking for
A lot of people think listing all the traits they’re not looking for in a partner is saving everyone time. However, it’s actually making you look extremely negative, which is an immediate turnoff to most. Instead, frame things in a positive light. Instead of saying, “I don’t want a partner who is a lazy bum who doesn’t have a job,” try something along the lines of, “I value hard work and determination, and I’m looking for similar traits in a partner.”
Posting all selfies or mirror pics
I get it — sometimes our friends and family aren’t the best photographers. However, a profile full of selfies or mirror selfies is a deterrent for a number of reasons, even if they’re not all true. Selfies can look unnatural, vain or like you don’t get out a lot. I recommend your main photo be one that clearly shows your face (no sunglasses or masks), at least one full body shot, and a few that show off your personality or things you like to do. After all, someone is much more likely to say, “That’s such a cool photo … where did you take it?” than “Nice toilet in the background!”
Having too many group photos
Online daters have a short attention span, and playing a game of “Where’s Waldo?” can get old very quickly, likely resulting in a left swipe. Many believe group photos show that you’re a social person, but it also creates an unintended comparison to your friends or family members. Keep the focus on you.
Not asking the other person questions
There’s nothing worse than getting a message that simply says “Hi.” It puts all the pressure on the other person to keep the conversation flowing. Instead, I always recommend starting with a question — it can be generic, but you’re more likely to get a response if you mention something from their profile that shows you actually took a few moments to take a look at it. By asking questions, the person on the other side of the conversation is much more likely to answer … hopefully with a question for you.
Playing pen pals
If a discussion with a match seems to be going well, it’s time to take it to the next level by setting up a phone/video or in-person date. You can bring it up casually by saying, “I’m enjoying our conversation so far … maybe we continue it over coffee sometime? I’m pretty free next week.” Another option is when they ask a question to reply: “It’s actually a good story but better in person. Maybe I can tell you over drinks?” It’s a little scary to make that move, but it’s better than becoming pen pals for weeks without a clear intention.
Getting too sexual
Here’s the thing: Don’t do it. Whether it’s a “joke” in your profile or trying to sound “flirty” while messaging someone, getting sexual is usually a complete turnoff. It makes you seem like you’re only interested in a hookup, not a meaningful relationship.
Having bad grammar in your profile
I’m begging you, have a friend take a look at your profile (or run it through an online program like Grammarly) for a quick edit. While knowing “your” from “you’re” is not the end of the world, it does make you appear less intelligent than you probably are. It also comes across as lazy, as if you’re not taking the time to think about what you’re writing in your bio. Avoid long run-on sentences, not using correct punctuation and messy formatting, which all make your profile less appealing to the reader (or just really hard to read).
Not putting in the effort
If you made a blank profile you rarely check, update or maintain, then no, online dating is not going to work for you. Write a thoughtful bio, pick some of your favorite photos, and dedicate time — even if it’s 10 minutes per day — to checking your apps for activity. If you get a message and don’t reply for three weeks, that person has probably moved on, and you might have missed an opportunity.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.
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