If corporations are people, which people are they?

“Person,” after all, is a word that covers a lot of territory: saints and scoundrels, people we’d walk over hot coals for and people we wouldn’t sit next to on a plane if you paid us.

There are a lot of corporations on the planet, so this is going to take a while to sort out. But we thought we’d jump-start the process with a special nod to corporations that loom large in Georgia. Feel free to pitch in online in the comments to this story (exclusively on MyAjc.com).

Coca-Cola = John Candy: big, friendly, sweet, morbidly obese.

Home Depot = Kevin Costner: If you build it, they will get rich.

UPS = Neil Patrick Harris: Seemingly everywhere you look, usually delivers.

Waffle House = Aaron Harang: not pretty but pretty dependable.

Southern Company/Georgia Power = POTUS: trying to break the smoking habit.

Newell Rubbermaid = Cher: plastic in the service of preservation.

Chick fil A = Stephen Colbert: parlayed a running gag into a major national franchise.

Delta = Harrison Ford as Han Solo: gets you there, makes you mad.

GM = Collin Farrell: total recall.

Comcast = 113th Congress: incompetent, unreliable, does nothing right.

And then there are the entities with the outward appearance of persons that have long since morphed into corporate enterprises: Oprah, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods (corporations with a single face), Kimye, Brangelina (two), Clinton Inc. (three). Closer to home, we can boast of such MisFortune 500 personalities as Tyler Perry, Paula Deen, Honey Boo Boo.

In retrospect, what’s really surprising about this week’s Supreme Court ruling it’s that it has been so long in coming. After all, it’s been painfully obvious for ages that corporations, like people, are subject to certain life events, even human maladies.

There’s marriage: Time/Warner, AOL/Time Warner, Comcast/Time Warner, Exxon/Mobil, Chrysler/AMC, Chrysler/Daimler-Benz, Chrysler/Fiat, Delta/Northwest Airlines, Southwest/AirTran (and virtually every other U.S. airline).

Divorce: AOL/Time Warner, Chrysler/Daimler-Benz, Wendys/Arbys.

Awkward adolescence: Apple, Yahoo, Netflix, Zynga.

Mid-life crisis: Blackberry, Nokia, Martha Stewart, all American automakers.

Near-death experiences: Radio Shack, J.C. Penney, Sears, MySpace, American Airlines, all American automakers.

Obesity: Any entity ever pronounced “too big to fail.”

Flatulence: The corporation attempting (with increasingly bizarre results) to pass as an actual human, Donald Trump.

Bad hair days: See above.

Of course, if corporations are people, people must be corporations, too. Which led us to wonder: Which corporations embody the five guys who sent us down this rabbit hole?

John Roberts = Facebook. Outwardly bland, but beneath that smile, powerful and disruptive.

Clarence Thomas = Lockheed Martin: stealth fighter.

Antonin Scalia = Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Clearasil: seriously astringent.

Anthony Kennedy = Catalina Yachts: tacks in one direction, then another.

Samuel Alito = Proctor & Gamble: squeaky-clean, practical, forgettable.

So there you have it, our best shot at helping you digest this whole corporations-as-people thing. And for those who still can’t quite swallow it, we’ll leave you with this subversive gem of bumper-sticker wisdom:

“I’ll believe that corporations are people when Texas executes one.”