Unthinkable violence has touched every age group in our nation’s schools, from students, teachers and staff in elementary school to college.
The latest incidents have been our own.
A gunman fired shots Tuesday at Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy in DeKalb County. Wednesday morning, Cherokee County deputies arrested a 31-year-old man carrying knives, leather gloves and a BB gun that looked like a semiautomatic pistol at Cherokee Charter School.
With each incident, the number of students who witness or experience trauma goes up. About two-thirds of U.S. children under age 18 have now done so, according to a study sponsored by the federal Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality released this year. Thirteen percent of them will display symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Discussing such tragedies with your children or even answering their questions is difficult and can be overwhelming, but it’s a topic parents can and should prepare for.
Experts offer advice on what to say or not to say to your child about these events.
Could This Happen to Me, Mom?
Your main job is to reassure the child that school is a safe and secure place. Emphasize how rare these situations are and what schools and communities are doing to keep students safe.
“It’s a hard topic, but you cannot be afraid of it,” said Dr. Fran Walfish, child and family psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif., author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” “We have to separate our own feelings from those of our children. They have laser-sharp radar into their parents, and they absorb everything about your tone and effect.”
In other words, it is paramount to remain calm so kids do not pick up on your own anxiety.
Limit Media Exposure
It’s impossible to shield your child entirely from the media when shootings occur. So how much should you allow your kids to be exposed to?
“The critical factor is knowing your child, and the answer varies with age and according to each individual child,” said Richard Becker, a 50-year educator who has taught preschool through graduate school and is co-founder and director of Chrysalis Experiential Academy in Roswell, Ga. “It’s very important to limit news violence — especially for young children.”
Smaller children may not understand the context of the violence that is being reported and can be easily overwhelmed by the visual and auditory images.
“Age 12 and under, the less the better,” Walfish said.
Be available to listen to what your children are telling you
“What is very helpful is when the kids tell the story themselves, over and over. It helps them process through verbal telling of the story,” Walfish said.
Parents must take responsibility for monitoring what information their children are exposed to. Becker recommends putting the computer in a common area, especially for pre-teens and teens, so that you know what your kids are seeing.
Also consider monitoring the TV and the radio in the car.
“A young person needs to be able to discuss openly and honestly not only what they see but their feelings and emotions related to what they are seeing,” Becker said. For older children, don’t let them obsessively listen to and watch news reports.
Listen to Your Child
Allow your children to express their concerns and fears. Ask your child what she has heard from friends or seen in the media. Don’t add details or your opinion. Be prepared to answer questions about the event over and over again. Encourage discussion.
When discussing the events with younger children, limit information to basic facts. Ask, “Tell me what you heard and what you saw.” Invite your child to express thoughts about the situation and then adjust, modify and confirm or deny, Walfish said. Help your child integrate what he has experienced rather than give more input.
If your child asks why the person did it, reply there is no way of knowing for sure but emphasize how rare that is.
Avoid talking about the events within earshot of young children. “Especially young children pick up on nonverbal cues from the parents,” Becker said. “If you are stressed, they know it.”
Preteens and teens will likely have seen broadcasts and discussed what happened with their friends. Discourage a focus on graphic details. Answer questions, but more important, address their feelings and needs. Teens need reassurance, too.
“Be careful about what you say,” Walfish said. “Some teens are too emotionally fragile to handle much.” Don’t rush the conversation. Take your teen’s emotional temperature by asking questions such as “What are you worried about?”
Never bring up another tragedy, such as 9/11 or Columbine, unless your child asks about it, Becker said.
If your older child or teen mentions another student who has made threats in any way, take him seriously. Alert school officials and the local police.
Watch your child for signs that she is distressed or anxious, which may be expressed in a physical way: nightmares, obsessive behavior, difficulty sleeping, depression, isolation, moodiness or anger.
“Be careful not to over-reassure,” Walfish said. “Your 8-year-old may want to sleep with you because they are scared. Instead, camp out on the floor and be supportive company while helping her readjust in her own bed.”
Make Family Time a Priority
Make yourself available for extra time together as a family if you sense your child needs it. Walfish cautioned against seeming overly concerned, because you’ll send the message to your child that there’s good reason to be worried. Stick to your routine.
If you have children of different ages, you might want to call a family meeting to reassure everyone. “Little ones will likely have heard about it from older siblings,” Walfish said.
Use it as a time to focus on foundational principles your family believes in.
Becker suggested: “Redirect your child and involve them in something positive. Work for peace, do for others in your community. Help your kids see themselves as part of the positive solution.”
