Story by H.M. Cauley. Photos by Jenni Girtman.
Richard Rhodes recently realized he was at an aging crossroads. A childless, single man whose parents have passed, the 80-year-old Brookhaven resident began thinking seriously about what would happen to his health, his condo and his cherished possessions as he got older. Aging adults make these considerations every day, but Rhodes’ were complicated by his being gay.
“When you’re gay, lesbian or whatever you want to call yourself, most of the time, you live alone,” he says. “There are issues around housing and who’s going to take care of you — those are our main concerns.”
Rhodes is correct in estimating that many in the aging LGBTQ community worry about their golden years. In March, an AARP survey of 45-and-older LGBT adults revealed that 76 percent are concerned that “adequate family and/or social supports to rely on as they age” will not exist. The study also noted that respondents are often out of touch with family members, are less likely to have children and more apt to be single — which emphasizes the importance of planning.
“The best thing is to have your paperwork ready beforehand,” says Rhodes, who recently worked with an attorney to resolve issues around his home and health care. “Even if you have had a partner for 20 or 30 years, relatives can suddenly reappear and change things. Yet so many people don’t think that will happen.”
Sandy Springs attorney Kathleen Womack has taken that message to LGBTQ groups around metro Atlanta, encouraging them to prepare wills and health care directives sooner rather than later. The former chair of the Stonewall Bar Association and Georgia Equality board of directors can share tales of people who didn’t plan ahead.
“One gentleman died without a will, and someone found my business card in his house and called me,” she recalls. “The morgue wouldn’t release the body without approval from next of kin, and that wound up being some cousins he didn’t know. His friends wanted to have a funeral and closure, but it took quite some time to get a family member to sign an authorization for body to be released. It’s critical that there be someone who can step in and make sure decisions are made.”
For members of the LGBTQ community, the aging issue can be further complicated by family relations that are often less than cordial.
“Many people are estranged from their families because they’re gay,” Womack says. “So it’s really important that people have at very least a health care directive that appoints someone they trust to be with them in the hospital and make funeral arrangements.”
The same thought needs to go into figuring out what will become of possessions — a conundrum faced by any aging, unmarried couple. “Maybe the property is in the sole name of the one who gets hit by the bus first,” Womack says. “That’s when the family of the deceased can swoop in, and suddenly, the partner has no rights unless they’ve gotten legally married. In fact, a lot of times, people get married just to protect their partners from their families.”
And once those legal documents are completed, Womack offers one last piece of advice. “I tell couples after they’ve signed all the documents to carry them in their baggage or cars, so if there’s ever a question, they have documentation to prove they are the appointed health care agent,” she says. “Carry a copy of your marriage license as well. You never know when someone is going to say, ‘Prove it.’ It’s unfortunate, but that’s the way it is.”
Metro Atlanta offers a few support resources to the aging LGBTQ community, but Linda Ellis of The Health Initiative in Decatur says they’re getting more difficult to find.
“We are the SAGE affiliate in Atlanta,” she says, referencing the New York-based advocacy group for LGBTQ elders that offers among its services a hotline to connect older adults. “But we cannot find funding to support it. The issues for this community are very real, but we struggle to figure out how to best meet those needs.”
One group that has found a way to provide fellowship and support is Atlanta Prime Timers (primetimersww.com), a 20 year-old organization of about 185 gay and bisexual men. Rhodes, a former chair of the group, has been a member for 10 years.
“Once a month we have a meeting, and we always have a speaker who will talk on aging issues and other topics,” he says. “We also have potlucks and other outings.”
Having a social organization like Prime Timers is key to combating the isolation many LGBTQ people feel as they age, says Karl Gustafson, a gay Ansley Park resident whose book “I Hate Getting Old!” was published earlier this year.
“But I’ve come to realize there aren’t a lot of resources for us and the unique challenges we face,” he says. “Typically, we’re without children, and generally, we’ve earned less than our counterparts — two factors that are part of a support system.”
Gustafson admits that turning 60 has been a shock, but says he hasn’t neglected his preparations for the future. “My partner and I have been together more than 30 years, and we’ve been to an attorney to get things taken care of. We’ve settled the details around all that stuff.”
Insider tip
Looking to join a group? Contact The Health Initiative, 1530 DeKalb Ave., at 404-688-2524 or online at thehealthinitiative.org to learn about LGBTQ organizations in the metro area.
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