My first experience of the empty chair syndrome happened shortly after my husband’s death, when I went to a restaurant with a group of family members.
As we were seated at a large table, I was shocked to see an extra, empty chair next to me, and for the entire meal, I tried to distract myself from the obvious thought: That’s where Jef should be.
Over the years, more empty chairs showed up, in restaurants and the homes of friends, who invited me to supper. Most Sundays, there’s a vacant spot beside me on the pew, where I envision my sweetheart sitting, as he did for decades.
Empty chairs at Christmas and Hanukkah can be painful reminders for folks who’ve recently lost a spouse, child, sibling or parent.
And although no one-size-fits-all plan exists for grieving folks to navigate the holidays, the following tips may help.
First, when you’ve recently experienced a loss, it’s perfectly normal to feel sad during the holidays. Don’t hide your sorrow from close relatives and friends, who understand the struggle.
After all, they realize how painful it is, as you picture your beloved teen playing beneath the tree as a toddler — or envision your spouse in the kitchen, preparing a meal for you.
There’s one proviso here — when your children have lost someone they dearly loved, take time from your grieving to help them deal with their loss.
Children might make an ornament for the Christmas tree, illustrating the missing person’s favorite activities, such as reading, biking, baking or bird-watching.
They might jot down favorite memories about the beloved, and read them aloud, when the menorah candles are lit each night of Hanukkah.
Second, celebrate in ways that bring you joy, even the smallest sliver. Maybe decorating a tree is too much, but perhaps a wreath on the door will work.
Maybe hosting your own Hanukkah party is overwhelming, but stopping at a friend’s house sounds appealing.
I still haven’t carried up our sweet little Charlie Brown tree from the basement, but each year I adorn the table with three festive settings — one for me, one for Jef and one for God.
However, I must admit that the cat often usurps the decorative settings when he wants a nap.
Third, do something new that brings joy to others. Adorning my car with reindeer antlers and a red nose has brightened the faces of children — and adults — when they see me drive by.
And getting presents for the herd of children, who gather at my cousin’s house, helps me focus on other people’s joy.
You might make special treats for children in the neighborhood. Visit folks in nursing homes and hospitals, who long for company during the holidays. Make a memorial gift in your loved one’s honor to a favorite charity.
Fourth, continue a holiday tradition you shared with your loved one. Maybe your husband always bought you chocolates, and perhaps you could treat yourself to the same gift.
Maybe your child found delight in gingerbread cookies, and you could bake them in her memory.
You can start new traditions, too, such as lighting candles in the beloved’s memory or visiting the grave site.
Christians sometimes take poinsettias to the cemetery, since their shape traditionally represents the star of Bethlehem —and the red-and-white colors symbolize Christ’s blood and purity.
Above all, bear in mind that the person you miss surely wants your happiness during the holidays. They still love you and want the best for you.
And let’s all hope we get to heaven, where holiday joy lasts forever, with no broken hearts and no more empty chairs.
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