Q: My 3-year-old daughter is generally agreeable about cleaning up toys after playing and picking up at the end of the day. Recently, however, she has started intentionally making messes and then refusing to pick them up. Things like getting a bowl of Cheerios at breakfast and then dumping them on the ground, spilling a box of crayons on the floor after coloring, tipping over the box of Duplo bricks we just picked up (agreeably!) together. It seems to happen at transition points and feels like an attention-seeking behavior, as well as testing boundaries. After she dumps the items, she runs away and refuses to come back to clean them up. I usually end up cleaning up the mess, and we determine some kind of consequence for her. I’ve found that natural consequences work best, but I’m struggling to connect one to this. What would you suggest?
A: Welcome to parenting a 3-year-old. The No. 1 message is that this behavior is so normal that if your child didn't display some kind of defiance, I would think something might be wrong.
Why is your child defiant out of (seemingly) nowhere? To begin, she is right on track, developmentally speaking. Two-year-olds are intense but also quick to please because they don’t grasp that they are a person, separate from their attachments. If Daddy likes to make pancakes, the 2-year-old wants to make pancakes. If Mommy wears hats, the 2-year-old will put on a hat. Two-year-olds will sit in timeout not because they realize what they did was wrong but because they want to please their parents.
But 3-year-olds are different. Their desire to be like you wanes, and they suddenly have a lot of opinions. The child who was previously happy to clean up with you is not interested in “going along to get along.” Worse yet is if you have an idea that is similar to hers. Even if she wants to clean up, as soon as you suggest the chore she bristles, because she has realized she is not an extension of you and needs to assert that. This is how development works: First the child is unaware of herself as an individual; then she is completely focused on herself, and her emotions are paramount. As your daughter matures, she will be able to shift her focus outward and understand others’ feelings and begin to have true empathy.
Essentially, your daughter doesn’t care about cleaning, and she is allergic to being bossed around. Disciplining her, doubling down, talking to her about the importance of cleaning up, bagging up her toys to give away, putting her into timeout — none of it will really work. If you punish a 3-year-old to clean up toys, you will just raise a child who obeys you until she is taller than you, and then she will walk out of the house. Fear is motivating until it isn’t, and it will ruin your relationship with your child.
So what can you do?
1. Let some of this go. You didn't have a kid expecting her to be a Roomba, so accept that you may be doing some evening tidying. Or just leave the toys on the floor.
2. When you suggest cleaning up and your child is defiant, see that as an invitation for you to be mature. Three-year-olds love to play and be silly, so I have seen intuitive teachers and parents say: "Oh, well, I love to clean! First I am going to find everything red, then I will find everything green … " If you look really happy and don't glance at your daughter, I am betting that she will join in, because attachment is stronger than anything else. It will mostly work, but when it doesn't, don't take it personally.
3. Let routines rule. I have coached many families to put on fun music and do a five-minute family cleanup every evening before bed. Some families prefer to pick up in the morning, and some leave it for the weekend. But if your daughter is exhausted and having a tantrum, let it go.
4. See punishments as harmful to your connection with your child. Here's how it works: Your daughter doesn't clean up, you push and threaten, she digs in, you dig in and make good on the punishment. Now you have a hysterical child who needs consoling. You are resentful because your child is hysterical, and the toys are still on the floor. All of your energy must be channeled into repairing the relationship, and the cleanup job is not looking any better to the 3-year-old. Don't be afraid to let go of something that isn't working.
5. As your child gets older, you will get better at deciding which boundaries to hold and when. You may decide one day that you will not walk to the park until the toys are cleaned up. And without threats or yelling or passive aggressiveness, you simply hold that boundary, no matter how much she cries or begs. I know there is nothing simple about this; it calls on you to be mature and patient.
Remember: Every day is a new day. Some days, your daughter will be accommodating and sweet, and other days, she will be defiant and surly. Sometimes, she can be all those things in a span of a few minutes. Ride the wave, choose your boundaries, don’t take it personally and keep your sense of humor. Good luck.
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