Your happy daughter, who used to fill your ears with laughter, has become a brooding middle-schooler with emotional outbursts.
Lynn Louise Wonders, a mother and licensed professional counselor at Wonders Counseling Services in Marietta, says the middle school years are often the most difficult in a child's development. Kids are emerging from childhood and figuring out who they are in relationship to their peers, she said.
Wonders said being picked on or bullied at school could be a reason for acting out at home. But even if a child isn't being bullied, she added, there is a reason behind all behavior.
Once that reason is uncovered, Wonders said, adjustments can be made to how parents interact with the child, which can bring positive results.
Constant fighting with a child is not normal or healthy, but parents can usually eliminate battles by altering the way they relate to the child, according to Wonders. For example, praise your daughter when she does something right and show her appreciation.
"When she cooperates, thank her for cooperating," Wonders said. When she is kind to her siblings, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
She recommends that parents seek family counseling if they feel overwhelmed.
"If a 12-year-old is having repetitive emotional outbursts, extreme difficulty getting along with others and refusing to attend to hygiene, the parents and child will benefit from a therapist who specializes in working with children of this age," Wonders said.
Clinical psychologist, mom and author Dr. Laura Markham understands the frustration parents face when dealing with teenagers. To strengthen the relationship with your daughter, she offers these tips:
- Reconnect. Set aside one-on-one time with her daily. Let her decide what she'd like to do, whether it's play video games, dance or go out to lunch. Work toward building a relationship that's more than arguing.
- Give her a hug in the morning and when she arrives home from school.
- Try to see life from her point of view. Remember what it was like to be a teen? A vital part of connecting with your daughter is having empathy for her. Markham said empathy helps tweens feel like they're understood, which can make them more cooperative.
- Discipline for things that really matter. If she wants to exist without showering for a couple weeks, fine. If she's mean to her sibling, however, you need to intervene. Tell her: "In this house, we don't scream at each other or throw things. We treat each other with respect." If she raises her voice to argue, say calmly, "I don't talk to you like that, and I don't expect you to talk to me like that."
- Don't minimize her concerns. While a trivial matter might feel like the end of the world to her, it's important not to minimize her worry. Stay calm when your daughter loses it, and while she's unlikely to show it at the time, she'll be grateful. It will improve the quality of your relationship with her.
Tweens may be emotionally out of control at times, but parents need to remain in control. By offering calmness, you model how feelings can be tolerated, understood and managed.
About the Author
