They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
When I first saw the now viral photo of a working photographer/working mom toting her toddler on her back, infant in the front, and a bottle and camera in her hands, I’ll admit that at first only three words came to mind: What. The. Hell?
If case you’ve been off the social media circuit, let me catch you up.
A photographer shooting high school football for the Dallas Morning News took a picture during a game of a "multitasking" Texas mother, if you want to call her that. I won't. She was shown with her 3-year-old son in a back carrier and her 8-month-old in a front carrier. She was on the sidelines, photographing the game. Her husband, whom many wondered about, was one of the team coaches. The now famous mom, Melissa Wardlow, takes photos for the team.
Mom Melissa showed up in my Facebook feed, probably yours, too, a few times. A second look at the photo, and I felt much the same: Oh. Hell. No!
By the end of this column, I’ll be eating my words and apologizing for how I felt at first. Because you know what? Frankly, it’s really none of my business or yours. We all do things with and for our kids because it’s what we want to do or have to do. So keep your opinions to yourself. I mean really, if you don’t want to or don’t have to take your children to work, that’s just dandy for you.
We all have our opinions on what others should do with their kids. And when we see a child in harm’s way, we have a moral responsibility to speak up. In this case, the mother said that what you saw her doing was like any other football night, something she does all the time, and she wasn’t looking for attention or pity. I’m guessing she couldn't care less about your criticism.
Not long after Mom Melissa filled my social feeds, another photo surfaced. Again a working mom at a high school football game. She, too, reportedly said she was doing something she does all the time.
When a friend sent me the second photo, at first I thought it was the same woman in Texas. But wait, no, this mom was a doctor, 35 weeks pregnant, working as a football team physician. Her photo went viral with the title "Sports Medicine Doctor Mom." Megan Meier was working at a high school football game in Oklahoma City while carrying her 3-year-old daughter on her back. As the old folks would say, she was good and pregnant.
The thing that really gets me about these photos is that you could be anywhere in any setting across the world and see some version of it, so what makes it so special?
Several years ago on a trip to Kenya, while touring coffee and tea crops, I encountered women in hot fields with children on their backs, and holding their hands, and balancing baskets on their heads while working.
It also makes me think of our grandparents and great-grandparents. Just think, they had multiple children in many cases. And, let me tell you, they really did it all and without all the cool technology in life we have to make things easier. They didn't visit care.com to schedule baby sitters to get work done. And no one gave it a second thought, much less offered a comment.
The still-swirling storm of response to both photos on social media was far more interesting to diagnose than the photos themselves.
What is it about images like this that trigger such a visceral reaction? To me it’s simple, it’s because we see ourselves in them. And since so many of us aren’t honest with ourselves, it’s so much easier to give our 2 cents on someone else.
Responders fell into a number of camps. You’ll certainly find yourself in one of them.
There was the pity crowd. Oh I feel so sorry for her. Poor thing. Someone needs to help her. Shame on the people — especially the moms in the game crowd — who watched this poor woman struggle and not offer to help.
Then there was the "Where the hell is the man?" crowd. Oh, don't act like you didn't think it. We all asked, where is the father? Why isn't he helping? We criticized him for allowing his wife to be on the field putting his children and herself at risk. Those kids must have been heavy. Shame on him! OK, so maybe dad was working, too, and maybe they agreed this is what they wanted to do, and maybe it was mom's turn. Maybe, just maybe, we should all just mind our business.
One of the most enlightening perspectives I heard was from a mom friend who said that if a man were pictured doing the same thing he probably would have been lauded as a fabulous dad. Women are often criticized for trying to do it all alone, but when men are shown doing dad stuff, society portrays it as the greatest show on earth.
But, of course, there was a huge camp of sympathetic moms who could relate. Moms who were somehow inspired by the women in the pictures. They fist pumped and high-fived. These were the moms who said, "Yes we can do it. We do it all, all the time." You know, when the baby sitter cancels, the husband is out of town, and you gotta get it done no matter what.
They refer to themselves as supermom with a capital S, or badass. Oh yeah, I’m looking in the mirror with my hands on my hips, rolling my neck. What of it? I keep my cape in the car, at home and at work. Don’t. Mess. With. Me. I. Got. This!
The people in this camp, like me, found it hard to be too critical because they’ve been there or know someone who has been there. By the time we ask for help we feel like we might as well have done it ourselves or figured it out on our own. Because that ensures it will get done, get done fast, and get done right (or at least the way we want it done) and without drama or cost. And sometimes we just don’t have a choice.
But even in this camp there was yet another opinion, because many of the woman who saw themselves in these photos were reminded how ridiculous and unbelievable it looked. These were the people who wanted to start the wake-up campaign urging supermoms to put away their capes, ask for help and activate their village.
One friend, a mother (and former AJC photographer) of two boys, posted: “The more I look at it, the more ridiculous it looks. I don't even know where to start.”
Another friend, also a former AJC photographer, had this to say in her parenting series Elissa the Mom: "I support her if this is what she wants to do, but she is putting her children in danger. And that is just the fact of it all. No babysitter is going to change that. I hate saying that because I want to support all moms."
So whose opinion is the right opinion? What should we really think of the women in these photos? And what does this all say about us? About our society?
Frankly, while I could come up with something to say, I don't really have a good answer. In the end, does it really matter which opinion is the right one? That is, after all, why it's called an opinion. That's my story, and I gotta get back to work. But the next time any of my friends see my kid in the office, or you see any of your friends working with their kids nearby, just mind your business.
Oh, and one more thing, Mom Melissa and Dr. Mom Megan, I’m sorry for thinking you’d both lost your minds. Keep doing you and just be careful on the field. Your kids will have great memories of Friday night football. And who could regret that?
