Welcome to my most ironic story of the year: If the information it contains will be of particular use to you Wednesday morning, you’ll be in no condition to read it.
Instead, you’ll be curled up in the fetal position, possibly nauseous, definitely fatigued and probably suffering from a pounding headache — the kind, as a friend of mine once said, that makes you feel as if you’ve got a thousand tiny, little Richard Simmonses sweatin’ to the oldies inside of your head.
It’s New Year’s Eve, and some of us are going to go overboard.
Nobody knows exactly why we get hangovers after drinking too much alcohol, says Dr. Theodore Smith, a family medicine physician (and teetotaler) from Austin Regional Clinic Southwest. Theories play off the fact that alcohol causes dehydration, a drop in glucose and vasodilatation — when the blood vessels in the body dilate, or expand (vasodilatation has been known to trigger migraine headaches).
But we don't care about the science; we just want to do something to feel better, and fast. It seems as if just about everybody has a favorite, "guaranteed" hangover remedy, and I turned to online sharing site Pinterest.com to find a few to run by Smith. Here are those "cures," along with his thoughts.
Hair of the Dog: "That has been studied and has not shown any benefit at all."
Banana milkshake: "It probably would help a little bit in increasing glucose."
Bacon sandwich: "It'll taste good, but there can't be any medical benefit."
Blowfish (an effervescent tablet with a combination of aspirin and caffeine): "That would probably help the dehydration and the headache symptoms."
Ice cream with crushed ibuprofen sprinkled on top: "That would help with the glucose, the dehydration and the pain control, yes."
Coffee: "It hasn't been shown to be helpful in the literature. You'd think it would, because of the vasodilatation. It falls under the category of if it helps, do it, if it doesn't, you don't have to do it again."
Coconut water: "It will probably help with dehydration."
Green tea: "The caffeine and fluids will help."
Asparagus: "I don't know. I'll have to try that if I ever get a hangover."
Greasy fast food: "There's probably no merit to that, unless it's the salt. I'm seeing a pattern here — a lot of these have salt in them and when we eat salt, it helps us to retain our fluid. That may offset some of the dehydration symptoms."
I’m seeing a pattern, too, in Smith’s answers. So I ask him what he recommends for those who wake up on New Year’s Day feeling hungover and miserable.
“I recommend aspirin, plenty of fluids and movement,” he says. I recall that another popular Pinterest hangover cure was yoga.
“Yes,” Smith says. “The movement would help the body process whatever we’ve taken in. There are other substances besides just alcohol and water in drinks. As we start moving, it will help the body process those out.”
But if an ounce of prevention truly is worth a pound of cure, perhaps the best hangover cure (besides not drinking too much to begin with) is to follow the doctor’s advice for anytime you’re out drinking.
“In between drinks,” he says, “make sure you are drinking fluids to offset the dehydration. Every two drinks or so, throw in a glass of water.” If you’ve gone way over the line, take aspirin with a big glass of water before you go to bed.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check and see if Amy’s offers ibuprofen or asparagus as ice cream toppings.
