It’s not a common problem. It’s rarely serious enough to break up a relationship, though it can add unwanted tension. But it is serious enough to be discussed if one partner is a radical sports fan — or an excellent athlete — and the other is not.
Take Denise and David, a couple who knew each other for over a year before deciding to get married. David was passionate about golf, and a good golfer. Every Saturday, he would meet up with three of his friends and they would play a full 18 holes and then socialize back at the clubhouse. He also enjoyed watching the game played on television. Many hours of his life were spent playing, watching or getting coaching from the club pro.
Denise was not at all enthusiastic about golf. She had rarely been involved in the game and was a poor player. She thought David’s dedication to golf would change after they got married. But the couple never discussed this, and of course, issues can be hard-pressed to change after commitment unless they are negotiated before things start getting serious. After some time had passed, Denise began to burn with hidden resentment. If she tried to talk with David about her feelings, he would respond by saying, “You knew I much I love golf before we got engaged. Why does this bother you now?” Denise began hiring a handyman to do a householder’s normal Saturday chores. The tension made their marriage less intimate, their relationship less communicative.
That’s just one example of problems that exist when a sport is an obsession with one person but not with their committed other. It can even happen with two platonic friends, when one is good at a sport and the other is always trailing in their wake. Talking about how to accept the difference in their athletic ability without rancor will help prevent the break-up of the friendship over jealousy or resentment.
There are no real rules about having these kinds of discussions, because no two relationships are alike. But it helps to remember that it’s extremely hard to describe the passion that draws one person to a sport and to the training required to be good at it.
In another instance, Julie was trying to become a pro snowboarder, and her live-in, Zac, didn’t understand how much time and money that goal would take. From training at the gym (where a membership had to be purchased) to traveling to competitions, paying for transportation, lodging and meals, Julie’s goal was expensive. She had never discussed this with Zac before their relationship began, thinking that he already knew. But though he came to several of her contests and also joined the gym, he soon grew tired of a relationship that seemed to be more about her sport than about him. The two parted thereafter.
Again, this is not a common problem or a common situation. But if you’re an athlete or fan and your significant other is not, a discussion about it is in order before a serious commitment is made. Honestly discuss the time and money that will be needed for the sports-minded one to be happy. If it’s not acceptable to one or the other, discuss compromises that can be made. But the most important thing is to discuss the issue before any life changes are made.
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Wina Sturgeon is the editor of the online magazine Adventure Sports Weekly
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