A few weeks ago, Meg Asciolla was scrolling through TikTok when she saw a disturbing video — a girl in Ukraine was hit by a bomb while riding a bike.
“That triggered it for me,” said Asciolla, a 17-year-old junior at Ringgold High School in Catoosa County. “I was asking my parents about it.”
Asciolla is a dancer in the school’s production of “Catch Me if You Can” and she thought the show could be a good way to support children in Ukraine. On March 28, she will join her peers for an encore performance from which 85% of the proceeds will go to Save the Children’s Ukraine Relief Effort.
Using their talents to benefit others felt like a way to respond positively to an experience that is so far removed from their lives, she said.
“I feel horrible that people have to experience (war) and I feel so fortunate that I don’t. It is one of those types of things that you never think would happen to you,” Asciolla said. “My heart felt so broken because they can’t be in their communities and at their schools right now.”
According to psychologists, the students at Ringgold High School are doing the right thing. One of the primary ways to help young people feel better about the chaos in the world right now is by encouraging them to get involved.
Credit: Ringgold High School
Credit: Ringgold High School
“As much as we would love to wrap our arms around children and keep them from knowing about the bad things happening, in 2022, that is absolutely not possible,” said Robin Gurwitch, psychologist and professor at Duke University Medical Center. “Kids get their information from so many things, and today it is Johnny-on-the-spot news. We see things happening in real time.”
Research has shown that when parents try to shield their children from trauma it can cause more anxiety and stress for the children, Gurwitch said. “It is imperative if you have a child that is school age that you sit down and talk to them about what is happening. You want to be the one they turn to for questions and information,” she said.
When my 11-year-old daughter jumped in the car one day after school and earnestly asked if we were going to have a world war, my first instinct was to talk her out of feeling fear. Instead, I assured her that we were safe and asked what she had heard about the conflict in Ukraine. Then we talked about why Russia invaded Ukraine and how it compares to other wars throughout history. A few days later, she read more about the invasion in a kid-friendly magazine, which prompted another conversation.
My daughter is not on social media, but we live in a world that is hyper-connected and we don’t always know what kids have been exposed to.
Gurwitch said that any conversation with kids about war should start with parents and caregivers asking them what they know.
This provides an understanding of any misperceptions or misinformation the child may have. Then you can offer a gentle correction, said Gurwitch.
For young children, a good starting point is to look at a world map and point out Ukraine, Russia and the U.S. “Right away that relieves some anxiety,” she said.
Once you know what they know, the next question has to be, how does that make you feel? Whatever answer they give, validate their feelings rather than trying to talk them out of it, she said.
It is important for parents and caregivers to have accurate information before engaging in conversation with their children, but it is also OK to say you don’t know and will come back with an answer. If you do that, just make sure you follow up, said Gurwitch.
The way we talk to children about war isn’t the only thing that matters. It is also important to remember that children are listening and watching when adults talk to and interact with one another.
“Children will fill in the blanks,” Gurwitch said. “It is OK to be upset or distressed, but if you have a meltdown in front of your child, that is incredibly scary.”
With older children, it may be helpful to watch the news together and use it as a basis for conversation — and not just a single conversation.
“It is a conversation you are going to go back and have again and again,” Gurwitch said.
Sometimes, however, it is good for everyone to take a break from the news cycle. Encourage kids to go outside, take a walk, or, like the students at Ringgold High School, turn something they love into something that will help others.
Eli Talley, who plays the lead role of con artist Frank Abagnale Jr., said when he takes the stage for the benefit performance later this month, it will feel different than past performances.
“This feels like something that is going to do good for people across the world, people outside of our Georgia bubble,” said the 17-year-old senior who is bound for the Savannah College of Art and Design where he plans to study performing arts. “Nothing like this has really happened and it is important to realize we are making a difference on a global level.”
Talking to children about difficult topics like the war in Ukraine, is not just about helping them understand current events. We are laying the groundwork for the future, letting children know they can come to us with any difficult topic and find that the adults in their lives are ready and willing to listen.
Read more on the Real Life blog (www.ajc.com/opinion/real-life-blog/) and find Nedra on Facebook (www.facebook.com/AJCRealLifeColumn) and Twitter (@nrhoneajc) or email her at nedra.rhone@ajc.com.
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