It’s solstice time, when days are shortest for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere and the nights can seem endless. This is a good time for dreaming and laying plans for the brighter days ahead, but it can also be a time of despair, when it seems least likely that our dreams could come true.
I’ve been busy meeting with job seekers and leading workshops that are meant to lift spirits and provide encouragement, activities that put me on the front line with folks struggling with job search. It’s hard not to notice when someone seems to have given up hope. The conversation often takes an oppositional turn, with the job seeker seeming more invested in being “right” than in finding solutions.
Here’s a snapshot of such a conversation.
Job seeker: I can't find a job.
Me: What have you tried so far? Maybe we can improve your process.
JS: It's not about my process. No one will hire me because I'm too old.
Me: I know that other people your age have gotten jobs; there must be some employers hiring.
JS: Yes, but they're not paying anything.
Me: And you know this because …
JS: I just do. It's obvious. Nobody wants to pay anyone what they're worth anymore. And no one's hiring people in their 50s and 60s.
Me: OK. So now what?
JS: That's what I'm asking you.
Which leaves me in the position of a) making the job seeker younger, or b) changing “all” employers so they will hire someone this age and pay the wage desired.
What motivates me to press on in these conversations is this simple fact: Despite what this person is saying, their actions tell me they have hope or we wouldn’t be having this chat. Something got them out of bed, into the car or bus and out to a workshop or meeting. If they were dead certain there was no job out there for them, they wouldn’t have bothered.
So we talk on until I can find the chink in the self-protective armor they’ve donned. Eventually something connects, we find the next steps and they start the journey toward a job.
That’s a great story and it’s true more often than not — the stubborn naysayers do want to find work and they’re willing to try. But it leaves me drained and pondering this basic question: Why are we all so invested in our negative view of things?
Just for a minute, imagine that this job seeker was right when he essentially said, “No employer anywhere in the entire country will even consider hiring someone who is, say, 56 or older. Ever. But if they did, the wage would certainly be awful.” That is so silly it defies logic. First of all, the minute the argument shifts to “But if they did…” you know the arguer is on shaky ground with the first premise. As if you didn’t know that already.
This person is operating from fear — as we all do from time to time. Which is understandable but certainly not productive. The better starting point would be to ask, “How can I get a job?” and then be willing to accept that the answer might involve steps that are uncomfortable and unfamiliar.
Which brings me back to the question of dreams. In this solstice week, coinciding with a major holiday that brings families together, I want to ask myself and you as well: What do you want in your life that you don’t have now? And then, What are you willing to do to make that happen?
Are you willing to forgo being “right” in order to move forward? Can you let go of a familiar process or inertia that’s not helpful and let yourself be uncomfortable in a different process? Can you commit to a goal and meet it, despite the barriers — real and imagined? If you were really blocked and it was harming you to stay inert, could you imagine seeking help — including therapy?
This is a week for dreaming and enjoying the gifts we’ve been given, in all forms. We just need to drop our guard enough to let in some of the joy, then call on our courage to reach for more. Happy holidays to you.
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