A friend asked me for advice recently, on behalf of her friend. It seems this person has been job-seeking for ages but hasn’t made the connection between his demeanor and his lack of success. As my friend put it, “he exudes Eeyore.”
Of course, I laughed. Eeyore is one of my perennial favorites from childhood literature. If you don’t remember, he’s the sad little gray donkey who hangs out with Winnie the Pooh. Besides looking adorable, with his big nose and droopy eyes, Eeyore’s main purpose in life appears to be acting negative — and he’s darn good at it.
That’s not a bad talent to possess if you’re a cartoon character, but for job seekers, looking sad or acting negative are downright deficits. As I often say in my workshops, “No one hires out of pity.” That is, your friends or networking buddies or potential employers may feel the tug if you’re pitiful enough, but that tug will not likely translate to a job offer. There’s just too much at stake to hand out jobs as if they were charitable alms.
And my point is? Certainly not that you should stop feeling sad or negative. If those are your feelings, you’re not going to be talked out of them by a careers columnist. But there’s a crucial difference between feeling something and expressing it. When it comes to job search, like so much else in life, the trick is to decide when to express your feelings and when to mask them.
I would argue that the situations justifying the expression of negative feelings are fewer than you might expect if you’re seeking work. For example, many people take a conversation with friends as an open invitation to kvetch about job search. Isn’t that what friends are for? Maybe, but here’s a poser: If you believe that friends are a key part of your job-getting network, how does it help if your friends think of you as a complainer or as an object of pity?
I’ll illustrate that point. Let’s say that your friend is asked by a mutual contact how your job search is going. Which answer would you prefer he give, A or B?
A: “It’s been pretty tough. I know she’s gotten some interviews, but something always seems to get in the way of an offer. She’s been out awhile, so it’s hard for her to compete.”
B: “I think she’s getting closer. She’s had some good interviews, and I know she’s been impressing people. She’s got a great attitude and that really helps.”
Those might sound like similar answers, but there’s a world of difference to the person asking the question. Imagine that the mutual contact has been thinking about tapping this person for a job. Answer A describes someone who can’t close the deal on an interview, who is getting passed over for other candidates, and whose skills are growing stale. Answer B, meanwhile, describes someone who is making progress, who is impressing other employers, and who has a good attitude.
Which person would this contact most want to talk to about a job opening? Obviously it’s the second one.
If you can tolerate some tough-love advice, here it is: Choose one or two people to be your kvetching partners, and swear them to secrecy. Unless they feel you are having trouble coping, they are not allowed to tell others you are struggling or unhappy.
Then put on your happy face with everyone else. You don’t have to channel Shirley Temple, but do move away from expressing Eeyore’s point of view about everything.
With a bit of practice, you might find that you’re actually feeling some of the positive views that you’re expressing. That will make the job search easier to bear and might even improve your chances of success.
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