Are you a good person? Before you answer, let me add a word to that: Are you a good person online?
You may be the exact same person in email correspondence, while sending texts and in posting to social media networks who you are “IRL” (in real life). That would make you a very genuine virtual person, but it would also make you a little unusual. For many people, myself included, the Internet is a place to exaggerate the better parts of yourself, to hide unsightly flaws, to say the thing you’d have never thought to say in a face-to-face conversation from behind a keyboard (often much later).
But that schism, the widening space between what we are in person and who we are online, is creating problems, I believe. Increasingly, I see people push their online personas to their limits, alienating friends and family, bullying complete strangers or just being oblivious to what their digital keystrokes convey to others.
But I think the real consequence to negativity, bad behavior and over-investment in our online personas is a lot simpler: It makes us unhappy. In the many years I’ve been watching people behave badly online, I can tell you that those most prone to short tempers and aggression online carry that tension offline.
With all that in mind, I have some suggestions. These aren’t commandments; they’re not even etiquette tips. They’re just 10 things I think could make you a better person online (and a happier person offline). Five of them are things you should do more of. The other five? Things you should stop doing immediately.
1. Be more helpful. Whatever job or hobbies you may have, you probably have some expertise. When people ask for help online, whether it's a group email from a coworker or a desperate Facebook post from an acquaintance, think about whether you might be able to help, or at least point that person in the right direction.
2. My friend Dwight Silverman, who deals in social media and writes about technology at the Houston Chronicle, gave one of the best, simplest answers to my call for suggestions for this column: "Care." Care about others, care about how you present yourself to the online world, care about the greater good.
3. Double-check shaky facts and potentially phony stories. Quit posting too-good-to-be-true scandals, conspiracy theories and fake celebrity deaths all over social media without making sure they're real. A Google search or a peek at excellent hoax-busting websites snopes.com will likely reveal that Southwest Airlines is not really giving away thousands of free tickets on Facebook.
4. Ask questions and be curious. Whether it's in email or in a video chat, being more engaged in what others have to say than what comes out of your own mouth (or typing fingers) is a good way to be a better listener, a better friend, a better online citizen and a better conversation starter.
5. Treat people online like people, not screen names. That means playing nice, being respectful, responding to people's messages instead of ignoring them, and never antagonizing people in ways you could never imagine yourself acting to someone's face.
And here are five things you should avoid:
1. Stop complaining so much, and keep your outrage in check. Stop jumping on those angry bandwagons and, while you’re at it, stop trying to publicly shame businesses that make an honest mistake or that you aren’t dazzled by. Sharing information about a scam or nightmare customer service experience is one thing, but using social media as a bully pulpit to get something you want is shady at best.
2. Don’t send messages between midnight and 6 a.m. If you work a night shift, that’s different, but in most cases, sending long, rambling emails or a string of texts in the wee hours is a bad idea.
3. Don’t start none, won’t be none. We all know people online who instigate battles in comment sections and can never shut up whenever a controversial topic comes up. That’s called trolling. Don’t be that person. Before you engage with trolls, political loud mouths and agitators, ask yourself beforehand if it’s worth the time and potential trouble.
4. Silence all jerks. Speaking of trolls and loud mouths, if someone is stressing you out and it’s edging toward harassment, don’t take it. Either block and report that person, or, if it’s someone you have to deal with in real life (say a relative or coworker), try to mute them on social media channels or filter their messages so you don’t have to see them.
5. Resist the urge to be an instant responder. Technology gives us the tools to be in constant, frequent contact. But you don’t owe anybody an instant response in any nonemergency situation. If somebody sends you a message that makes you angry, take an hour before you respond.
There are lots more, such as, “Stop giving everyone parenting advice they never asked for,” and, “Don’t engage with vague, passive-aggressive, attention-seeking posts,” but we’ve run out of space, and this to-do/to-don’t list is long enough. Let’s be better out there.
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