Dating is a kind of due diligence. It gives you the opportunity to really get to know someone you may have feelings for. This process is very important, because even if you are feeling the love, the two of you might not be able to live together.
Dating gives you the opportunity to ask a ton of questions, and asking questions is the No. 1 thing daters need to learn to do. Trust me, you won’t get the answers you need from anyone’s online profile. By asking the right questions, however, you will learn about your potential new partner’s past, and what their hopes and dreams are. Monica Leahy’s book “1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” is a great resource.
If getting to know someone is the most important thing to do while dating, here are several things you should avoid doing:
Making plans too soon: If you start talking about big changes or events early on, like the kind of wedding you want or your favorite baby names, you can easily push the other person away. I remember an episode of “The Bachelor” where one of the women came downstairs in a wedding dress. She didn’t get a rose. Go slow.
Staying with someone when you know they aren’t a good fit, because you don’t want to hurt their feelings: If you know someone isn’t right for you, let them down in a nice way, such as simply saying the two of you are not meant to be. This will allow the other person to move on gracefully.
Lying to yourself about how you feel: This is an all-too-common rebound response. If being in a relationship is your driving force, it’s quite possible you will settle for someone who is available but not necessarily right for you. If you are at this point in your life, it is wise to take some time off from the dating scene until you have regained your emotional balance.
Bringing your friend or parent on a date: Generally, this is not the best way to get to know someone, and a third party could make the other person feel awkward. If you want to bring someone else along, so you feel safe, let your date know and discuss it a little. Otherwise, dating should be just for the two of you.
When you see red flags — whatever they may be for you — pay attention to them: If someone has done things in their past that conflict with your values, or if they believe in things that make you uncomfortable, honor your own feelings and don’t make any plans. A bad person can still make you feel good, at least for a little while, so be careful and don’t get caught up in a situation that could hurt you in the end.
Dating, relating and mating can be a challenge in modern times. You can avoid some painful mistakes if you apply a little common sense and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide. Reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
About the Author