Dear Anna: I recently got out of a long-term relationship (we were together a little over a year) and I’m just starting to get back into the dating scene. In hindsight, things with my ex were good for only a few months before they took a turn. Or maybe even earlier than that. I was once 15 minutes late to a date and called to tell him this, only for him to start screaming at me over the phone about how disrespectful I was. I almost turned around and went home, but I didn’t.
I wish I’d listened to that voice sooner. Basically, we had intensity, then scarcity. We had amazing sex and then horrible fights and a lot of silence. During fights he became withdrawn, then outright avoidant, only to come back later as if nothing had happened. By the end we were barely speaking. I stayed because I remembered how good it was in the beginning, and hoped against hope that we could get back to that place.
As I attempt to get back out there now, I’m feeling skeptical and don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made with my ex. Can you please give me some advice on what red flags to watch out for when dating someone new? — Skeptical About Great Expectations
Dear SAGE: I’ve been there; many of us have. It’s extremely difficult to trust those inner alarm bells that go off inside of us when our systems are flooded with the excited, happy chemicals that come from dating someone new that we really like — even someone who’s not good for us. It’s a little like someone punching you in the stomach, then giving you $1,000. It’s confusing and overwhelming, and your adrenaline is high and your decision-making is impaired.
So, don’t be too hard on yourself for mistakes made with your ex. You made them, and now you get to move on. And you deserve to move on.
Learning to trust your intuition — that voice that told you to turn around and go home — is vital when it comes to navigating the dating world. Here are a few tips for learning to trust that inner voice:
First, simply listen to it. You might have heard the common adage — your body whispers until it screams. This means the body grasps when something’s not quite right far sooner than the mind does. Pay attention to those whispers and those not-quite-right feelings. If a date’s behavior is setting off those whispers, don’t ignore them until they become screams.
Reflecting on past experiences, the way you’re doing now, is another way to prevent yourself from walking down the sameroad twice: Use those experiences as a guide and tell yourself you’re going to make better choices this time around.
Look at the whole person. It’s tempting to see only the good parts of people — the amazing chemistry — while ignoring the bad parts — the screaming at you for being 15 minutes late to a date. When you compartmentalize a person’s behavior, you do yourself (and your inner voice) a disservice.
Put another way: Does spending time with a person lift you up or leave you feeling drained?
Next, give it time: Building trust — in others and in yourself — takes time. Don’t rush into things too quickly. Take the opportunity to observe your date’s behavior and assess whether they align with your expectations.
While you start to hone your intuition, here are some of the most common red flags to watch out for while dating.
Communication games: If your date consistently leaves you hanging, takes forever to respond to your messages or only communicates only sporadically, it might be a sign they’re not invested in building a connection.
Mr. or Ms. Secretive: Pay attention if your date is overly secretive about their personal life, avoids introducing you to friends or family, or seems guarded about sharing information. Trust is a two-way street.
Consistent canceler: Be wary of someone who frequently cancels plans last minute or flakes out on agreed on dates. We all have busy lives, but if it becomes a pattern, it might indicate a lack of consideration or commitment.
Boundary bulldozers: If your date consistently disrespects your boundaries, whether they’re physical, emotional or personal, you should take heed. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and understanding.
Dream crushers: Beware of someone who scoffs at your dreams and ambitions, constantly belittles your aspirations or shows a lack of support for your goals. A supportive partner should be on your side. If they aren’t, that’s a discouraging sign.
Keep building yourself up, SAGE. Learn from the past without letting it stifle you and you should be well on your way.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com.
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