If you grew up in a household where everyone raised their voices all the time, hearing people yell now probably does not have a great effect on you.
Yelling is a toxin that can cause people to lose their jobs, relationships, and peace of mind. If there is one thing that you can do to improve your life and the lives of those you care for, give up yelling. And, yes, it can be done, no matter how long you’ve had this bad habit.
I grew up in a home where nothing was ever said under 87 decibels, and we all just accepted the yelling as a part of who we were. This habit spread to our extended family, and when anyone was upset with anything, they yelled about it.
And it did get to me.
At about age 10, I started retreating to my room and playing guitar to avoid the cacophony around me. Unfortunately, by then, I had developed the yelling habit too, and at home it was hard to control. I had a choice: leave (which at 10 really isn’t an option) or stay and see who won the yelling wars.
Once I did leave home, I made a vow to never treat my loved ones the way I had been treated growing up. The yelling was painful; it hurt my ears and my feelings. It also scared me. Yelling in a threatening way is now considered verbal abuse, and it breaks up families way too often. No one should have to live with it.
I thought this bad habit was under control, but it would still come out at times, and one evening many years ago, I lost it in the kitchen and my voice rattled the dual-paned windows. My other half left the room, which was the right thing to do, and I stood there taking in what had just happened. I felt bad, but the only thing I could do was choose to recommit to giving up yelling and make the appropriate apology (for several days).
Aside from calling out for the dog or loudly saying “Ouch!” when I’ve dropped a trash can on my foot, my old habit is now under control. I don’t want to be that person who tries to control others by being aggressive, and I don’t want to have that toxic energy in my home.
I haven’t yelled in anger in over a decade, just because I decided I didn’t want to.
When a bad habit gets ingrained in your childhood, it may take a little or a lot to change it, but it can be done. The first and most important step is to make the choice to change for the better. You need to look at yourself and say internally, “I don’t want to behave this way any longer.” Then, you need to watch yourself. If you find that you are getting upset, take a break or just don’t say anything until you can do it appropriately.
By giving up yelling, or acting aggressively, you are giving a gift to those around you — and you are giving a gift to yourself.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of 8 books, and a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person & video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com
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