Women dressed in black and white swarmed the entrance of Brasserie Margot at the Four Seasons last Wednesday.
Lisa Kaye Rayner, a journalist and public relations professional, wound her way through the crowd of women — a sea of fascinators, sequins and high heels — who had gathered to celebrate her birthday and the release of her memoir, “Shelf Life of a Trophy Wife.”
Rayner said the book had been brewing for years. Still, she didn’t sit down to write her story of abuse, trauma and grief until accusations of sexual assault and rape against comedian Bill Cosby began surfacing at the height of the #MeToo movement.
“It made me realize I can’t blame these women for just now coming forward when I had all of these things happen to me and I never breathed a word of it,” Rayner said.
Rayner teases that she has “a buffet of abuses” from which to choose, ranging from sexual abuse at age 4, followed by decades of treacherous relationships with men. The impact of the abuse and her ongoing silence ultimately led to a suicide attempt.
“Everyone thought I was the golden girl with the perfect life, and my silence perpetuated that myth when, in fact, I was just crumbling inside,” she said.
In therapy, Rayner began to dig below the surface and gain insight into why she continually found herself enmeshed with men who she says were controlling and treated her more as an object than a human. Throughout the book, she intimately and sometimes humorously details the verbal, emotional and physical abuses she said she suffered with the hope of turning her pain into power and purpose.
But during the time it took Rayner to write her personal story and engage in recovery, society had also changed.
We have shifted from the #MeToo era, which generated a groundswell of support for those brave enough to come forward with stories of abuse, to a new moment that foments male supremacy and misogyny.
“I was empowered by the #MeToo movement, and then it fizzled out,” Rayner said. “I think that is because of the political climate we are in: Misogynists and narcissists are en vogue right now.”
But Rayner feels women must keep telling their stories — perhaps a bit more softly and a bit more slowly — until those stories gather steam and their voices become too strong to ignore.
A cultural shift is surely no reason to back down. Strong resistance or backlash is generally an indication that you have hit upon a difficult but necessary conversation or idea that deserves more consideration, reflection and new ways of thinking.
Just a week before Rayner’s book signing, Cassie Ventura took the stand in the criminal trial against hip-hop mogul Sean Combs, which resumed Tuesday.
Credit: TNS
Credit: TNS
Ventura filed a civil lawsuit against Combs in 2023 alleging years of rape, abuse and manipulation. She was only able to file the claim under state legislation in New York, which amended existing laws and allowed claims after the statute of limitations. The suit was settled for $20 million.
These “lookback windows,” passed in the aftermath of the #MeToo movement, are an example of how fresh thinking enables survivors to seek justice when they feel empowered to tell their stories; not when a cultural moment allows them to do so.
Extending this legislation feels like a necessary move for the times we are in.
Now, Combs is facing criminal charges for racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking and transportation to engage in prostitution, and Ventura’s claim may have been the catalyst. (He’s pleaded not guilty to the charges.)
The criminal trial isn’t really about Ventura, but that hasn’t stopped the public from attempting to discredit her and, like Combs, suggesting that she was a willing participant in her alleged abuse.
Reporters described Ventura’s testimony as shocking and jaw-dropping, but isn’t it always when women (or men) break their silence and refuse to hold the secrets of their abusers?
When victims come forward to tell their stories, we shouldn’t expect those stories to conform to a single idea of what a victim should be or how a victim should behave.
Rayner said it is important for people on the outside looking in to understand the science behind abuse. Friends and family may give up on you and think it is your fault for staying in abusive relationships, she said, but people who are abused are often caught in a vicious cycle with their abuser.
“I didn’t realize I was in a trauma bond until I got out,” Rayner said.
She is a survivor, she said, but what does that mean at a time when men of a certain ilk speak freely and fondly about legalizing rape and slapping women to show them they are the weaker sex?
In a statement, Ventura said she hopes her testimony “has given strength and a voice to other survivors and can help others who have suffered to speak up and also heal from the abuse and fear.”
Rayner, too, said she wants her story to empower other women, including her two daughters.
“My purpose is to gently tell my story,” she said. “To move forward and help other people in ways I never imagined.”
I hope Rayner’s story does help victims of abuse feel empowered, because no one should have to wait for a singular cultural moment to speak their truth.
Read more on the Real Life blog (www.ajc.com/opinion/real-life-blog/) and find Nedra on Facebook (www.facebook.com/AJCRealLifeColumn) and X (@nrhoneajc) or email her at nedra.rhone@ajc.com.
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