Some people were looking forward to the Super Bowl last weekend. Me, I thought Donald and Melania had scheduled a conjugal visit, so I was glued to the television to see what she was wearing.
I couldn’t find any coverage. It was all Tom Brady this and Tom Brady that. I mean, if you need proof of male domination, try to find some decent fashion news alerts on Super Bowl weekend.
The Super Bowl affected everything.
For instance, I went to the HEB grocery store on Sunday morning. Talk about a mob. The only part of the store that wasn’t jammed was the toilet paper aisle. I know there is probably deep sociological interpretation that could be done here, but I was too weary having fought my way through the chip and nut aisle to really care.
Is the Super Bowl about football or is it about food?
To get back to that conjugal visit, don’t you think it was bad timing on Melania’s part? I mean, surely her husband, like husbands across the nation, planned to watch television on Sunday afternoon. Did Melania really believe he was going to snuggle up with her instead? What was she thinking?
Unless, of course, she wanted to spend time with him when she was sure that he would be distracted. Oh, I better not go there. But I’ll be checking out the magazines at the checkout counter to see if my suspicions were shared by the media.
Did I watch the Super Bowl? Well, yes, I did. I was particularly interested in the half time performance by Lady Gaga. If I had to choose a single word to describe it, the word would be: overwrought. The stadium had to open the roof to accommodate Lady Gaga’s entrance, a descent from way on high. From then on, it was a swirling swash of red glare, blue glare, and rockets bursting in air. I mean, if Francis Scott Key had been at that Super Bowl half time show, he would have written a song even tougher to sing than “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
And talk about athletics. Lady Gaga probably burned as many calories during that performance as any of the Falcons or the Patriots. Amid all the dazzle, she even changed costumes, and this included the shedding of an elaborate jewel-bedecked never-before-seen type of eye shadow.
But I couldn’t help but wonder what Melania was doing while all this was going on. Was she having a crisis of confidence because her tweetheart — oops, I mean sweetheart — was ignoring her? Or was she, like, “whew.”
I know, I know, everyone else was thinking about the game. Everyone else was wondering if the Patriots could recover from the trouncing they’d experience in the first half. Well they did.
And after the game, all of these grown men who had run around banging into other grown men went bananas, reaching out to touch and even kiss some big silver trophy.
Oh, America.
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