There's nothing more fulfilling than explaining a complicated computer fix to an audience of admirers at a party. Talk slowly and in a deep voice. Speak knowingly about interrupts, DIMMS, SIMSS and circuit board traces. Wave your arms about as you speak. Before you know it you'll be a computer expert.
That fancy talk is fine unless you actually need to fix a computer. When that time comes, you can -- like a magician -- mumble all those magic words over a dead computer and -- presto. You still have a dead computer. At times like that you don't need a new vocabulary; instead it's handy to know a few stupid computer tricks.
I've mentioned many of these stupid tricks before. They require no computer skills, no screwdrivers, no test equipment. And they're idiotically simple. Their only virtue is that they're likely to return a dead computer from the grave.
OK. Let's get stupid together. Put your IQ on hold and follow along.
Hiccups
You don't rush to the hospital when you get the hiccups. Instead you wait them out and soon resume your non-hiccuping life. Computers get hiccups too. All too often that sends their owners off to discover a cure. They seek and unfortunately find. Soon they are happily editing files in the Windows Registry and downloading programs they've never heard of and don’t understand to fix the problem. More often than not, the fix is so effective that the computer no longer has the hiccups. Instead, the fix turns the hiccups into a fatal disease. The message here: Ignore a problem unless it persists. Many computer glitches are one-time problems that won’t reoccur. Avoid fixing them. A leading cause of computer death is trying to cure the hiccups.
Off with you
I've mentioned this cure so often I ought to apply for patent on it. More than half of all computer glitches, including trouble with Internet connections, can be cured by turning everything off, waiting a few moments and then turning it back on again. It's a stupid thing to do -- unless you want to quickly fix a problem without the chance of making things worse.
The usual suspect
Computers are sturdy beasts. They need little care. The electronic components are capable of living longer than you are and -- other than hard disks -- seldom fail. Nowadays most commercial software, including the operating system, is fairly hardy. So how do you explain the fact that home computers seem to need fixing on an almost monthly basis? The reason is both easy to understand and a bit embarrassing. Computer problems usually come about based on something you did. But that painful truth -- once it's understood -- can be a powerful weapon when you need to fix a balky computer. Instead of rushing about with a screwdriver and a demented grin, sit in a comfortable chair and think of any recent changes you made to the computer. It can be something as simple as updating a program, or adding a printer, or downloading some free program you found on the Internet. Once you've made a list of these recent changes, undo them. Remove the printer, uninstall the software, or use Windows System Restore to revert the computer to the way it was before the problem began. More often than not the problem will disappear. If you aren’t familiar with System Restore, simply enter that term in the search box for Windows Help.
One thing at a time please
Not only have I seen this mistake from readers, I've been dumb enough to make it more times than is comfortable to admit: It's tempting, while trying to fix a computer problem to make more than one change at one time. Maybe you download a new driver (the tiny programs used to let a computer talk to a device like a video card or printer) and, at the same time, change a few settings on the balky device. Best case is that the computer starts working again. If so, you have no idea which fix did the trick. Worst case? The computer gets worse, not better, after your multiple fixes. And since you tried more than one thing, you will have no idea what you did wrong. It's a bit like a mathematical problem -- the more variables introduced, the more complex the solution.
Look for the obvious
I once spent several hours trying to fix a computer that was incapable of producing a sound. There was no music, no sound at all, from the speakers. I tried everything that I knew and a few things that I didn't know. Then I checked the knob that controls the volume control. It was turned all the way down. Here’s the stupid way I fixed the computer, I turned up the volume. When you're working on a computer, check out the obvious -- the really stupid things -- first. Make sure cables are plugged in and controls are in the correct position.
The stupidest trick of them all
Being persistent is considered a great virtue. There's nothing more American than not giving up in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, when it comes to computers, those inspiring words are rubbish. Knowing when to quit is the biggest virtue of all for home users who try to fix a computer. There are times when you'll get over your head, when you are not capable of fixing the problem. Be honest with yourself, when nothing left to try makes sense to you, stop fixing before you turn the thing into an over-priced paperweight.
Instead, pack up the computer and take it to a professional along with your damaged pride. It's a wonderfully simple thing to do -- so simple it's practically stupid. And, like the rest of my stupid tricks, it's brilliantly effective.
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