For those celebrating a new or long-term loving relationship, Valentine’s Day can be wonderful indeed.
But for those who have lost a sweetheart, the holiday can be excruciating.
Just ask Joni Aldrich, who has written two books chronicling the end-of-life journey with her husband and the recovery from grief that followed: “The Saving of Gordon” and “The Losing of Gordon” (Cancer Lifetime Publications, $15.95 and $19.95).
Gordon, who died four years ago of a rare form of cancer, was 45. Valentine’s Day had been special for the couple.
“My husband and I had our first date the Saturday before Valentine’s Day,” Aldrich says. On Valentine’s Day, when a bouquet of carnations was waiting on her front porch, she realized Gordon was someone special. “We always considered Valentine’s Day to be the anniversary of our first date,” she says.
The holiday, especially the first time following a loss, is always difficult. Aldrich says most grief counseling focuses on December holidays, rarely on February.
“Valentine’s Day is a little different than Christmas, although that is also hard,” she says. “Christmas is for your spouse and your family, Valentine’s Day is a close relationship day for lovers to share their love and reinvent their love, so that’s very hard.”
The void can be tremendous for those in mourning who see happy couples all around them and are surrounded by sentimental greeting cards, vases filled with flowers and candy conversation hearts.
Aldrich, who is in a new relationship, says it’s still hard for her to enjoy a festive celebration on Valentine’s Day, and offers these tips for those anticipating a difficult time:
Prepare in advance.
Survival requires looking deep inside yourself to determine what you might do to make this holiday less painful, she says. Know what to avoid.
While it’s important to remember the rituals and traditions you and your sweetheart shared, Valentine’s Day might not be the best time to do either.
“Stay away from restaurants,” Aldrich advises.
“The empty place across the table will cast a pall on any pleasant feelings you’ve managed to work up. Avoid any of the ‘old favorites.’ Order take-out or cook at home, but don’t fix that special dinner you used to make with the person you loved.”
Stay busy.
Chances are you’ve heard advice similar to the following: “Get out of the house! He wouldn’t want you to stop living your own life.”
If you’re dreading the rush of painful emotions and memories that Valentine’s Day will bring, try to plan an activity that will take your mind off things.
“Schedule some quality time with friends and family,” Aldrich recommends. “Play some board or card games rather than watching movies, unless there isn’t a hint of romance in them. This is definitely one day when romance can be very painful. Instead, focus on a new project that you really enjoy, such as redecorating your home.” Other options? Head for the gym or a day at the spa.
Allow the emotions to come.
Remember that grief never fits into a neat timetable, and that it’s unhealthy to pretend that everything’s OK when it’s not. No matter how prepared you think you are or how much of your life you think you may have rebuilt after suffering a devastating loss, grief can still bowl you over with emotion.
“Valentine’s Day is especially tough because not only do you have to deal with your own memories, but your senses are constantly assaulted, too,” Aldrich observes.
“Remember that it’s OK to cry. Let the emotions come — just try to keep them from overwhelming you. Depending on how you feel, you might write a love poem or letter to the one you’re grieving. The point is that it’s OK to remember those whom you loved and lost,” she said.
Turn your love to other treasures.
Although Valentine’s Day is largely marketed to lovers, it isn’t limited to them — in fact, far from it. February 14 is a time to focus on anyone and everyone you love, such as your children and grandchildren and friends. “Love comes in many different kinds of relationships,” Aldrich points out.
“Celebrate those, even though the loss of the person with whom you were passionate still hurts. Every day is a good day to tell those you love how you feel. And don’t forget to love yourself in the process.”
“Try to focus on the fact that it’s just 24 hours; it’s a hard 24 hours, but you can get through it,” Aldrich says.
