There are many opinions on what makes a good father, but some of the more easily agreed-upon qualities are patience, a solid sense of authority informed by love and a willingness to listen, a sense of planning and a willingness to toss that plan and start over if necessary for their family.
The same can be said for those who lead a different sort of family — religious congregations. For two Atlanta-area clergymen — the Rev. David Jordan of First Baptist Church of Decatur and Rabbi Samuel Kaye of Midtown Atlanta’s The Temple — being fathers to their own children and faith leaders have strong parallels. For this Father’s Day, each explains the joys and concerns of growing into their roles as both fathers and clergy, and how navigating the coronavirus crisis solidified those lessons.
The Rev. David Jordan, First Baptist Church of Decatur
In 1986, when the Rev. David Jordan, then 26, took over his first parish as a pastor in Washington, D.C., he was not yet a father. But, like many new dads, he says, he found himself expected to lead, while having serious doubts that he knew what he was doing.
“I was pretty intimidated, really struggling with my official, pastoral identity,” says Jordan, 61. “There were members of Congress, and ambassadors in my congregation. I thought ‘What do I have to offer these people?’ (They) were very patient with me, very affirming of me (but) I didn’t have the confidence you’d need as an experienced pastor.”
So Jordan, who with wife Beth is now the parent of children Christopher, 31, Catherine, 27, and Olivia, 25, did what fathers have to do: “We figure it out as we go along. If anyone right out of seminary tells you they’ve figured it all out, they’re not telling the truth,” he says. “They’re just not telling you. It’s like parenting. We often joke that being a parent comes with no instruction manual.”
In many ways, he says, “the last 15 months have been the perfect textbook example of (how) a seminary education doesn’t prepare you for pastoring in a pandemic.” Here’s another parallel with parenting: Making far-reaching decisions while admitting “that we really didn’t know what we were doing,” Jordan says. “You have to consult with other people and then make your best judgment.”
In early March 2020, a nurse in his congregation advised him to cancel that Sunday’s services out of caution for the danger ahead, even though some thought that was an overreaction. A task force of professionals was formed to help guide policies and procedures, and services moved online and, eventually, out onto the church’s expansive lawn.
“We’re all in this together. The buck stops with me, but I want to hear as many voices as possible. There needs to be a sense of authority,” Jordan says. “You have to say, ‘Here is what I’ve found to be best, and here is what we’re doing.’ You try not to say, ‘This is what you’re gonna do, whether you like it or not.’ I really stress to people that we’re doing the best we can with what we know now.”
First Baptist of Decatur will resume indoor services on Father’s Day, with some protocols still in place. Jordan says that ultimately leading in a crisis, as a dad and as a pastor, has been about admitting your own humanity.
“It’s been a real challenge, because I’ve been struggling, too,” Jordan says. “It’s helped all of us to dig a little more deeply, when it really matters. I’ve been very transparent. People appreciate when pastors can say that, too. It’s a balance of trying to convey that we can get through this, and that God is present and, yet, acknowledge that it doesn’t always feel that way.”
Credit: Ellis Vener
Credit: Ellis Vener
Rabbi Samuel Kaye, The Temple, Atlanta
Samuel Kaye has been a rabbi for three years and a father for less than one, but he already knows what the two experiences have in common.
“I read an article that said that being in a covenantal relationship with God and being a parent are similar in that your own freedoms and own desires are not the most important things in your life,” says Kaye, 36. He and his wife, Taylor Baruchel, will celebrate their daughter Selah’s first birthday at the end of June.
“Your love for them is greater than anything else, than your own comforts and your own love and needs. My faith in God and my love as a father aren’t that different, because (in each) you have to do the right thing,” he says.
Kaye’s rabbinical journey began 10 years ago, when as a 26-year-old Chicago bartender, he had “an intensely spiritual moment” during a trip to Jerusalem that inspired him to begin studying. That journey, as well as his path as a father, has been deeply affected by the coronavirus crisis, which hit right before Passover 2020, disrupting traditionally communal plans.
“Very quickly, the Jewish community had to deal with isolation at the same time that we were supposed to be together. That trauma (was) in the really early days when we didn’t know anything, when you were still wiping down your groceries,” he recalls. “But we came together in that moment and knew we had to rise to meet it.”
The Temple, in close contact with its approximately 1,600 families, transitioned into digital meetings, while navigating not only the technology but antisemitic Zoom bombers and “creepy people who would get on and watch what we were doing.” While it was hard, Kaye says he watched people function as a family, with younger members reaching out to their elders to help them figure out Zoom.
While Kaye rallied to help lead his Temple family, his nuclear family was coming together. Selah was born in June 2020, in the midst of the coronavirus, and the new dad slept in the hospital “because if I left, I was afraid I would not be let back in.” When the three finally got home, he says, he had the privilege of being able to work from home, not only getting to spend time with his daughter but setting an example for his congregants.
“To an extent, it helped that the rabbi and cantors were all in our homes, too, leading from our homes with every class and service, everything but funerals. We were trying to show everyone what they should be doing, that you should be staying home like ‘We are not doing anything differently than you,’” Kaye says.
Presenting a united front while admitting vulnerability, as a parent and as a rabbi, has been crucial, he says. “Talking about God during troubled times, there’s always a ‘Yes, and’ answer. There was an acknowledgment of the spiritual reality of uncertainness. It’s not enough to pray that it goes away. There’s a saying, ‘Pray as if everything depends on God, act as if everything depends on you.’”
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