Empowered to love — and whole enough to give it

In the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 22, an expert in the law tests Jesus with the question, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” Jesus astonishes him by summarizing all Ten Commandments into two. He replies:

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

While the heart behind Sayers’ motto is noble, Jesus’ words invite us to look more closely. Indeed, his teachings clearly prioritize our love for God above all else. But when it comes to loving others, the motto raises important questions: Can I love my neighbor well without first loving myself? And how can I love others well while still tending to my own well-being?

I found myself pondering these questions as I reviewed one of Focus on the Family’s latest books for married couples: "Empowered to Love — Discovering Your God-Given Power to Create a Marriage You Both Love," by Robert S. Paul and Tara LaLonde. Paul, a licensed professional counselor with more than 30 years experience, serves as the vice president of the Focus on the Family Marriage Institute and is one of the creators of the Hope Restored intensive programs.

From the beginning, the book’s unique approach to building a vibrant marriage was clear. Rather than diving straight into relationship dynamics, the authors begin by encouraging readers to reflect on their personal well-being. The foundational premise is simple but profound: The health of a marriage is only as strong as the emotional, spiritual and psychological health of each partner.

As Paul shared in our podcast conversation, “You can’t give what you haven’t received, and you can’t share what you don’t have.”

That perspective resonated deeply with me — especially as I reflected on my own experience during the years when my children were young.

Back then, I often found myself so caught up in the demands of life that I barely took time to care for myself. Many women — whether working or staying at home — unintentionally neglect self-care, intimacy and even their spiritual connection with the Father. I believe the same is true for many men, as well.

Over time, this kind of neglect becomes more visible. Once the kids are grown and out of the house, couples frequently experience a sense of loss and a lack of purpose. Worse yet, when we ignore our own needs, we often begin to expect our spouse to fill the void — a dynamic that leads to frustration and disconnection.

“Empowered to Love” offers a much-needed mirror and a bold question: Am I whole — or am I hoping my spouse will fill the gaps?

That paradigm shift is transformative. When we stop expecting another human being to meet needs only God can satisfy, we begin to love from a place of strength — one where God can reveal our blind spots, extend grace and help us change behaviors that may be hindering our marriage from thriving.

Indeed, self-care may feel countercultural in a biblical context. But according to Jesus himself, it’s essential — not just for the health of a marriage, but for every relationship God entrusts to us.

Although the heart behind the maxim “I am third” is sincere, it may unintentionally fall short of fully encompassing the vital command Jesus gave us. We cannot love others well while neglecting ourselves. And if loving ourselves weren’t essential to God’s design, Jesus wouldn’t have included it in one of the greatest commandments of all.

Patricia Holbrook is a columnist, international author and speaker. Visit her website: www.PatriciaHolbrook.com and her podcast God-Sized Stories with Patricia Holbrook to listen to the interview. For speaking engagements and comments, email patricia@PatriciaHolbrook.com.

Find “Empowered to Love” anywhere books are sold.