These darkest days of December create a somber backdrop – perfect for tackling one of job search’s toughest issues. I’m talking about the dispiriting challenge of handling a difficult rejection. Note the qualifier, “difficult.” While no rejection is enjoyable, some are clearly not as disappointing as others.
For example, not being invited to a second interview for a job you don’t want feels less like a rejection than a confirmation of something you already knew. Likewise, losing an offer to someone with deeper knowledge and experience strikes most people as fair, even if they don’t like the outcome.
But what about those rejections that seem unjust? Or those that are delivered in an unkind way? Perhaps the worst rejections are those that transpire after multiple interviews, after coming down to the wire with one other candidate. How should you handle a turn-down when you’ve started to picture yourself at the company picnic?
For most of the people I counsel through rejections, those are the ones that really hurt. There’s an element of the personal involved that makes the “no” feel like a stab in the heart. It’s no longer a disembodied system kicking out a form letter – it’s the supervisor who toured you through the department who has decided you’re not “the one.” Ouch.
In some cases, the original injury of being rejected so late in the process is deepened when the message is indeed delivered by form letter. Or worse, when no word is given at all and the candidate is forced to beg for his or her status until a picture of the new hire is finally posted on the company web site. Double ouch.
Some of the pain from these situations is unavoidable since the process of selling oneself to others creates a vulnerability. While you could protect yourself by holding back in interviews or in your general outreach, that would not be my advice. The more distant you make yourself, the less appealing you’ll be and the longer your search could drag on.
I think the better course is to interpret these late-stage rejections as the sign of a successful hunt, and work to lessen their impact on your overall progress. Here are a few tips that might help.
Keep talking with other employers. Instead of suspending your search when things turn serious with one company, push even harder to generate interest elsewhere. If things heat up with a second employer, you'll have leverage to prompt action with the first one. And if either situation stalls, your search will still have momentum.
Try to tighten the process going forward. This is difficult to do for posted positions with multiple candidates, as the process is already established. But when you're following a lead you developed yourself, try to "qualify" the situation before agreeing to fourth and fifth rounds of meetings.
Separate your self-worth from the outcome. To keep the right perspective, try this mantra: "It's just business." The people making the decision will be choosing the candidate they perceive will most help the business. They'll be considering multiple factors, some of which are unknowable to you. Hence, although it frequently feels personal, it really is "just business."
Close the situation gracefully. Even if the news is delivered poorly, respond with dignity. I favor a short note to the primary interviewer, printed on stationary and sent by mail with your business card included. The message should be brief but positive: "Of course I'm disappointed, as I really enjoyed our conversations about the contributions I could make to your department. I hope you'll keep me in mind for future projects, or for another position. I'd enjoy discussing those possibilities with you. Best wishes for your success."
Review what you've learned. The lessons to watch for are likely not personal. For the most part, I find that candidates who get this far are not themselves "flawed" – they just didn't make that last cut. Focus your debriefing instead on strategic issues. Did you discover that this position would interact frequently with other departments? Which ones? Perhaps those departments in similar companies would be profitable places to network or job hunt.
Let it go. How you do this will be personal but the outcome I prefer is that this becomes just one more story in your job search. No resentment, anger or bitterness – just a story. If this becomes difficult to do, you might need a pause or a conversation with a counselor; to carry negative emotions into future interviews will not be helpful.
Luckily, late December provides a natural pause point for job search. Come back next week and I’ll provide tips for optimizing these last two weeks of the year.
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