Because it's football season again, and because it really hasn't been baseball season for four years, and because it was only basketball season for like, five minutes, once, until everybody good was told, "You're throwing off the curve, please leave," and because Bobby Petrino jokes, like watching Curly pivot and accidentally hit the shelf that drops the paint bucket on Moe's head, never really get old, and because for some strange reason you like this, and I'd worry about that . . .
Hello, I am back.
Your goal is to get rich, so you can buy a team and fire everybody, so we again bring you: "Weekend Predictions: Your Path of Totality To Financial Independence."
By now, you should know how this works. Every week, I give you the winners. It's your job to find them.
Some of the picks may be "wrong," but they are intentionally sprinkled in each week, like Trump Twitter bombs, only released Thursday afternoon, not at 1:30 a.m., because I'm tired and old and my wife already complains, "Your phone is lighting up again, I'm leaving you for somebody with no fake friends on Twitter, and who's ChooChooXXX?" and ... where was I? ... because the "wrong" picks are simply to throw off competing investment services.
You can differentiate the real picks from the fake ones by researching specific key words in the Weekend Predictions Decoder Book, which you should have received in the mail over the summer. If you didn't get yours, please send $25 to: $25 From Completely Clueless Guy, AJC, Atlanta, Ga.
You also should immediately enter the "Sack Schultz Contest" -- this is real -- where you have a chance to win up to $2,500. Go to AJC.com/sackschultz2017 for all of the details.
The contest is easier than the picks I do here because you don't have to pick against the spread. (P.S. You're going to lose any way.)
We lead off this week with Georgia-Appalachian State. Why? Because Georgia can lose this game. I'm sure of it because Kirby Smart keeps saying it.
Actual Smart quote: "They’re the fastest defense I’ve seen on tape, and that goes for every position."
It's true. App State once outran a pack of cheetahs. In full pads!
Football coaches can be so cute.
Yes. I know. App State upset Michigan in 2007. Not coincidentally, Lloyd Carr retired after that season to the nearest bass boat.
But the Mountaineers lost their next six games to power-conference schools by a combined score of 294-66. They almost beat Tennessee last season, but Volunteers coach Butch Jones also lost to Vanderbilt, so he seems on a mission to lift the spirits of the lessers and downtrodden inside state borders. (App State lost to Miami 45-10 two weeks later.)
You want to see downtrodden? Watch what happens if the Dogs blow this. The team with the fastest defense in the history of the world is getting paid $1.25 million to come to Athens. That's not because Georgia is expecting to lose. Dogs cover 14½.
Support real journalism. Support local journalism. Subscribe to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution today. See offers.
Your subscription to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution funds in-depth reporting and investigations that keep you informed. Thank you for supporting real journalism.