My summer vacation started off well enough — reading and swimming at the beach, eating full-fat ice cream (bye bye, diet) and shopping at resale places where the deals were so incredible, I bought a giant punch bowl with 30 cups and a book about birds that is written in French, a language in which my fluency is limited to pastry items such as croissant, éclair, macaron.
My summer vacation ended with a mishap involving fellow airline passengers and some traumatized friends.
Along the way, I realized several things, and was reminded of others. For example:
1. Siri is an idiot. At least when it comes to directions. She sent us in circles! Do yourself a favor and find another way to get directions. (See what I did there? Find another way?)
2. There’s more to Frankenmuth than chicken dinners and Christmas ornaments. There’s actually a fabulous wine bar there. Really. It’s called Prost! Wine Bar & Charcuterie. The wine selection is very nice. And the build-your-own cheese board is fabulous.
3. Airplanes aren’t fun. I’d forgotten this until I dozed off on one. When I awoke, with a start, I knocked my to-go cup of coffee onto the floor, splashing what appeared to be a tiny amount of the beverage onto the passenger to my right. She said something under her breath. (Just as she did when the flight attendant dropped a breakfast bar on the floor in front of her and suggested that she give it back to him if she could find it.) I apologized; I felt awful. She said nothing, didn’t even acknowledge me, no eye contact. It was as if I didn’t exist. She very slowly and dramatically mopped up the coffee spray with a facial tissue. Late in the flight, she spoke to the passenger on her right, telling that passenger how the coffee spill didn’t matter one bit to her because she doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Hmmmm. Passive aggressive much?
4. Spray-on sunscreen is a bust. At least it was for me. I sprayed it on while I was outside. It seems the spray was carried away by the wind. I got a crummy sunburn, my first in forever.
5. No one looks good wearing a bike helmet. Yes, safety first and all of that, but some of us — aka me — look really, really ridiculous in bike helmets. I look like a giant wearing a thimble on my head.
6. Cargo jorts exist. I saw them with my own eyes. I wish I could unsee them. They are an affront to society.
7. Vacationing at the beach with a child is the best thing ever. That’s because a child offers adults an excuse to do things we think we’re too old to do — like splashing in the ocean and pretending to be a shark, eating snow cones, flagging down the ice cream truck or digging a hole in the sand for no other reason than digging a hole can be a very fun thing.
8. Just when you think it’s safe to go out … some people still have difficulty distinguishing what’s appropriate behavior in public and what’s best done in the privacy of one’s own bathroom. Which is to say my friends and I witnessed a grown adult flossing in public. We remain grossed out. We remain traumatized.
9. Halo Top low-fat ice cream is good, but — shocker — it’s no match for the full-fat goodness of real ice cream. I was OK tricking myself into believing that Halo Top was extraordinary. And while it’s fine, it’s no substitute for the full-fat peanut butter pie ice cream I indulged in on vacation. Indulgences should always be part of vacation.
10. Visiting a museum makes you feel smart and cultured, even if you’re not. I visited several museums over vacation, and I felt super smart each time — the art, the history, the very smart and serious people gazing at it all. The museum shops are full of nonfiction! I soaked up the environment, nodding at my peers, and before long, I was ready to work the word “brushstroke” into a conversation while gazing at a painting done by an unknown (at least to me) Impressionist. Also, I might have pretended to know the difference between Monet and Manet. Yes, I was super drowsy because museums do that to me. But at least I felt smart and drowsy, instead of just drowsy. And that’s something.
11. Fish and chips is a really good thing — unless you have it several nights the same week. Then it just makes you feel sick. I always forget that.
12. Sometimes it’s good to take one for the team and do something you might normally not. Which is how I came to hold a starfish and a sea urchin. I only went to the touch tank to be a good houseguest, as my hostess was going. As it turned out, it was super cool, and it promoted vacation group togetherness. The starfish was purple, which surprised me because I thought they were all pink, like Patrick on “Sponge Bob.” At another aquarium, I petted a cow-nosed ray, which I’m pretty sure is a friendlier version of the stingray. It felt oily and soft. I washed and sanitized my hands immediately afterward. Then I washed and sanitized again.
13. Hand sanitizer is your best friend. Especially after you ride public transportation or use a public restroom.
14. Dramamine’s less-drowsy formula is only less drowsy, not non-drowsy. Which means it will make you tired. I know this because I slumped over in a car, fell asleep and drooled all over the window. It was not pretty. Neither was I.
Still, I wouldn’t change one thing about summer vacation.
It’s the best.
———
About the Author
