This week has taken me to Texas. Here, stories on classic athletes await. Former Brave Julio Franco, at 55, playing for an independent minor league team, the Fort Worth Cats. And another former Brave of higher pedigree, Greg Maddux, coaching prospects at the Texas Rangers Triple-A affiliate in Round Rock, outside Austin.
The Franco tale will appear in Sunday’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Maddux is scheduled for a little closer to his July 27 induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
But another highly accomplished athlete has seized my imagination this week.
In an age of surreptitious performance enhancing, this competitor had the courage to go very public with — and even celebrate — his use of the same performance-dulling substance that has cost untold college freshmen their Hope Scholarships.
Hip, hip, hooray (BELCH!) for The Roger Bannister of running under the influence: James “The Beast” Nielsen, a 34-year-old California sales exec and world record holder in the beer mile.
Much as Bannister 60 years ago destroyed the myth that man never could break a four-minute mile, Nielsen in April reportedly shattered the five-minute barrier for running four laps while also chugging four 12-ounce beers.
I have but one question: Why isn’t this an Olympic event?
OK, two questions: We get rhythmic gymnastics, but not the beer mile?
The self-produced video of Nielsen doing the beer mile in 4:57 has burned a hole through YouTube, commanding more than 1.2 million views. You have to take much on faith here — he is alone on the track, with no sophisticated timing equipment or rules officials, only the woman shooting the video. But why would someone who runs while imitating a fraternity pledge not do everything legit?
There are rules for the beer mile — born on the college campus in the 1980s and assuming a cult status since. Rules beyond just: Chug a beer, run a lap, repeat.
Such as these, enumerated in the online bible of the sport, beermile.com:
“8. Beer must be a minimum of 5 percent alcohol by volume. Hard ciders and lemonades will not suffice. The beer must be a fermented alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and flavored with hops.”
And,
“10. Competitors who vomit before they finish the race must complete one penalty lap at the end of the race. Note: Vomiting more than once during the race still requires only one penalty lap at the end.”
Those rules once allowed women to chug only three beers over the mile, but the howl for gender equity grew too loud and now they, too, must pour four (that world record is listed at 6:42). Athletic and can drink like a whale shark – hello, ideal woman.
History is not easily made. Nielsen, a one-time college distance runner, was in obvious discomfort at the end, but bravely adhered to Rule 10. He battled bloating and mastered his gag reflex while also running a very respectable time. Let’s see The Most Interesting Man in the World do that.
He deserves all the accolades and free rounds that flow his way.
With the interest Nielsen has generated, there is even talk of a world championship of the malted mile, a big race featuring the very best at the dual disciplines of running and swallowing.
This must happen, and Atlanta must bid for it.
About the Author
