As a psychotherapist, Israel “Izzy” Kalman often talks to parents who can’t make their children be civil to one another. So, Kalman questions the movement to hold teachers and principals legally responsible to stop bullying among hundreds or even thousands of children in a school.
“It is absolutely unrealistic, and it is immoral to ask schools and teachers to do this,” said Kalman, a school psychologist formerly in New York City schools and director of Bullies2Buddies, a system he describes as “a solution to bullying.”
“Most families tell me their children fight every day,” he said. “If two parents can’t make their own couple of kids be nice to each other all the time, how can a teacher make 30 children be nice to each other all the time?”
Kalman doesn’t underestimate the extent of bullying or the damage from it, acknowledging that cruelty by classmates has pushed children to suicide. However, he said the drive to turn teachers into 24-hour bully police and impose criminal punishments will only worsen the problem.
While nearly all states have anti-bullying laws, New Jersey may well have the toughest. The state’s new Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights requires that schools adopt comprehensive policies; designate an anti-bullying specialist, as well as safety teams of parents, teachers and staffs; and launch an investigation into every allegation of bullying within one day of receiving a report and complete the probe within 10 school days.
The law is already sparking complaints that it is too sweeping and that its broad catch-all of bullying behaviors — any harassment, intimidation, physical or emotional harm to the student “whether it be a single incident or a series of incidents” — will lead to overreactions. One New Jersey school launched a probe when a student told another he had cooties.
As with most bullying laws, New Jersey’s was inspired by a vile act: the secret videotaping of a gay sexual encounter in a Rutgers University dorm room. Rutgers freshman Tyler Clementi jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge when he found out that the private moment was streamed over the Internet by his roommate. Kalman contends that such actions are true crimes and should be punished, but said the vast majority of schoolyard taunts and jibes don’t rise to criminal levels.
“This anti-bullying movement has spawned an industry, but no one seems to be noticing these efforts are not working,” he said. “They are taking normal though negative behavior and treating it like it is abnormal. I presented at a conference where a speaker said that schools must make sure children don’t roll their eyes. Kids are not allowed to do anything that can upset someone else, but the only place where everybody is always nice to each other is heaven.”
Putting the onus on teachers to stop bullying won’t work because research shows bullying is not overt. A research experiment in Canada that examined 52 hours of playground exchanges documented more than 400 incidents of bullying, which on average lasted only 37 seconds.
“Kids are not stupid enough to torment each other when the teachers are looking,” Kalman said.
He contends that when teachers intervene in bullying episodes it often makes it worse. A child who reports that a classmate called her names is not going to make a friend by bringing in the principal. “Now, that child is going to hate her and want revenge,” said Kalman.
He argues that the more effective strategy is to concentrate on the bullied rather than the bully. His program teaches children to stop getting upset by bullying, as he says the response triggers the repetition of the torment.
“The only reason that children get picked on over and over again is because they are getting upset,” said Kalman, who role-plays with kids to show them how hard it is to bully someone who remains calm and unfazed. Role playing helps because bullying victims tend to be anxious, sensitive, cry easily and have fears of confrontation.
Schools must teach students to handle bullies, not protect them from bullies, said Kalman. “Kids don’t go to school to be protected from math. They are expected to learn how to do math. We shouldn’t protect kids from bullying, but teach them the social skills to deal with difficulties.”
Because, Kalman said, “schools are the places where the least amount of bullying goes on. It happens more often among adults in the workplaces, and the place where the most frequent and serious bullying of all takes place is in the home. Bullying goes on through life.”
There is another reason Kalman said the focus ought to be on the victims. “The worst acts of aggression to themselves or others are by people who feel like victims. Bullies do not commit suicide or shoot up schools. People who feel victimized do. The best solution is to teach people not to think and act like victims.”
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