An absolutely true news item: Trying to explain why he asked worshipers to buy him a $54 million private jet, TV preacher Jesse Duplantis said: “I really believe that if the Lord Jesus Christ was physically on Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey. He’d be in an airplane flying all over the world.”
A few months from now, at the headquarters of Dassault Aviation in Paris:
“Welcome, welcome, Monsieur! You are interested in our new Falcon 7X?”
“Just checkin’ it out. I hear good things.”
“And what brings you to France, young man?”
“Long story short — it was, like, 2,000-plus years ago, I died, got resurrected, went to heaven, hung out with my Father. Now I’m back. Lots of work to do, though.”
“Oui, for sure! I couldn’t help but notice your humble little donkey.”
“His name is Metaphor.”
“Absolutely adorable. We’ll have him washed and detailed while you look at our jet.”
“Yeah, I’m thinking about a major upgrade. The world’s changed so much since I was here before. Everyone’s saying you’ve got to go totally global to reach the masses. All the top televangelists are flying private. Some of those comb-over guys on cable have a whole fleet of planes!”
“Monsieur, you’ve come to the right place. Our new 7X is the ultimate mode of air travel — elegant, yet understated, piety. Allow me to give you a personal tour of the cockpit and cabin.”
“Let’s do it.”
…
“Holy you-know-what!”
“Fantastic, no? This aircraft comfortably carries 12 passengers.”
“A good number for me.”
“Let’s take a peek up front. You can sit where the co-pilot does.”
“Very funny.”
“Well, picture this: Flying your personal Falcon jet nonstop from Jerusalem to Las Vegas.”
“And a devoutly religious person would want to do that … why?”
“To further spread the word of the Lord, of course! And, when you’re done, catch Jennifer Lopez’s show at Planet Hollywood.”
“I’m not familiar with her ministry.”
“Ah, Monsieur! I love your quaint sense of humor.”
“Seriously. I don’t see Vegas in my immediate plans.”
“Then go to St. Barts, or Gstaad, whatever. The new 7X carries 17 tons of fuel, which means you can fly all day. Rev. Duplantis and the other preachers have been very pleased. They say the uninterrupted flight time allows them to contemplate life’s meaning more deeply, and polish their sermons.”
“In other words, the seats fold all the way back.”
“Naturally. This is how we define spiritual serenity at 40,000 feet. Also, there’s a hot shower in the rear of the plane.”
“Why am I not surprised.”
“And the Bluetooth is trés awesome. You can see the Stanley Cup live, binge-watch ‘Narcos’ or find your favorite movie. I’m guessing ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told.’ “
“Max Von Sydow was amazing, I gotta admit. Yet it all seems so wrong. How can one bask in such luxury while there’s so much suffering and poverty and illness among the people down below?”
“The other ministers don’t have a problem with that. They say their jets literally take them closer to God.”
“It just so happens that He and I are on a first-name basis, and guess what? He won’t go for a new Falcon. No way.”
“Now, wait, please, you can always do a lease-back. Or consider fractional ownership — I’ve got a waiting list of Russian oligarchs dying for a piece of a 7X.”
“Sorry, but I’ll stick with the donkey. Speaking of which …”
“They’re blow-drying him now, Monsieur.”
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