The worse it gets, the more I can’t turn it off — Atlanta Braves radio, that is.
For two months, those paid to announce Atlanta’s hapless pro-baseball product have frantically emptied countless tubes of lipstick trying to make this pig seem even semi-appealing, or even interesting, to fans and sponsors.
For starters, there’s this gem I heard Sunday afternoon while running an errand and flipping on 680 The Fan: “Obviously, the Braves cannot give up any more runs,” the announcer said, pausing. “Getting four in the 9th will be problematic enough.”
He said it straight, although I detected a hint of gallows humor. We’re all in on the joke now. The game mercifully ended minutes later with a Brave hitting into a double play, giving the team its 12th loss in a row.
With that loss, the Braves did something historic. They ended a 1-19 stretch, only the second team since 1900 (the other being the 1939 Athletics) to be outscored by 100 or more runs over a 20-game stretch, according MLB Network’s Keith Costas.
They’re 100-year-flood bad. Tuning in on the radio is like listening to the couple in the apartment next to you scream at each other. You just can’t avert your ears.
This year, announcers have gamely tried to sell us on the notion that this team — the cut-to-the-bone, salary-dumping, let’s-just-get-this-season-over-with team — had a heartbeat.
In fact, the intro to the Braves’ pre-game program still peddles that story line. “Battling for every run,” the announcer says before each show, “it’s a young team filled with heart, ready to make some waves.”
One might note that a dead body dropped off the pier also makes some waves.
But I get it, the company guys must abide by the story line that someone out there — the players, the management, the owners — still cares.
Low on the payroll totem pole
This team was gutted before the season started and everyone knew what it was, a rebuilding year. But the team’s management can’t publicly say that because season ticket holders spent thousands of dollars for seats and pay $10 for beers. It just seems unseemly to wave a white flag so early. You don’t want to appear like you’re actively ripping off your beloved customers.
Instead, they must do it passively. Keep telling the fans that the team is trying. That these kids are scrapping. That a corner is being turned. Or will be any day now.
That isn’t the case, of course. Atlanta Braves Inc., a nominal asset of the conglomerate Liberty Media, is on a holding pattern until 2017, when the subsidiary moves to the taxpayer-funded stadium in Cobb County.
This year and next, the games at Turner Field will be largely a prolonged exhibition. Fans in Atlanta can watch players from the Gwinnett Braves audition to make the 2017 Smyrna Braves.
This year, the minions of Liberty Media, aka the Braves’ front office, cut payroll to $97.8 million, which ranked 23rd among the 30 Major League Baseball teams, according to my AJC colleague Tim Tucker.
“The Braves haven’t ranked so low in opening-day payroll since 1989, when they were 23rd among 26 teams at the time,” he wrote as the season began. He said the Braves actual payroll (not accounting for stiffs they sent packing and players on the disabled list) was more like $66 million.
Just 2 households in 100 tune in
Liberty Media, which is run by tycoon John Malone (who is worth $8.4 billion, according to Forbes), took over the Braves after a 2006 stock/cash/asset swap with Time Warner. The deal saved Liberty Media $600 million in taxes and, in essence, gave Malone’s company a free baseball team and $160 million in cash.
That cash, however, mostly stayed in Liberty’s home offices in Colorado. The Braves, who were one of baseball’s top five spenders for most of the 1990s and among the top 10 until Liberty Media took over, then dropped to the middling ranks when it came to stroking checks.
Atlanta fans have finally voted with their feet. At midseason, the AJC’s Tucker wrote that the Braves had drawn 24,903 fans per game through 40 home dates, ranking 23rd among the 30 MLB teams, down from 29,161 at the same point last season. They are on pace for their lowest full season attendance in 25 years.
Also, an average of just two Atlanta households in 100 are tuning in. That’s better than Spanish-language soap operas here, but still not good.
But still, I listen. I listen when driving. I listen when working out. I rarely watch on TV. It’s not worth the focus. I just listen.
‘Can’t insult somebody’s intelligence’
Steak Shapiro, a morning talk-show host on 680 with a serrated-knife voice, said the Braves would actually be worse if they won a few more games. Shapiro’s station has the Braves as a paying client, but his job is to stir it up.
“There’s almost a better story line with futility than mediocrity,” he said. “There’s more to talk about with disintegration. They’re losing in stunning fashion.”
“The question is how does this affect the new ballpark? What kind of damage is this doing?”
Who knows? But another season like this and those $475 premium seats will be a tough sell.
Shapiro’s colleague, Chris Dimino, does pre-game shows and has to be less over-the-top than Steak.
“But I’m not a big fan of hearing announcers saying, ‘September will be like our playoffs,’ ” he said. “No, it’s not! You can’t insult somebody’s intelligence.”
Why team’s value has nearly doubled
Asked about the Braves’ absentee owners, Liberty, Dimino said, “I never care about the owner until I have to. And now I have to. Part of me says, ‘Liberty should come in here with $30 million and say, “Go get some players.” ’ But that’s not Liberty Media.”
No, it’s not.
Instead of spending on the team, Liberty's minions worked out a deal where Cobb County, ahem, invested almost $400 million in tax money to help build the team a new ballpark. It will be the centerpiece of a retail, dining, recreation, business center.
Plans for all this (and new TV deals) have caused the value of the team to almost double, from $629 million in 2013, the year the Cobb deal was inked, to $1.15 billion today, according to Forbes.
One might think Liberty would be tempted to sell the Braves sometime after the new park opens, when the excitement peaks. But I figure the vast profits from such a sale would most likely cause the conglomerate’s team of tax attorneys to frantically scurry about to figure out some new tax dodges.
Now that I'd watch on TV.
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