Iyanla Vanzant was in Atlanta as part of Oprah Winfrey's 's eight-city tour and my wife Helen (a huge fan) and I spent 30 minutes Friday gabbing with her about her philosophy on forgiveness and the upcoming season of "Iyanla: Fix My Life."
And yes, she is exactly who she is in person as she is on the TV show: upbeat, thoughtful, caring. I asked my wife to videotape me talking to her about the upcoming season but she accidentally kept my iPhone on photo instead of video so there is no video.
My wife and I tried to remember what she said. The big season opener coming up that OWN is already promoting is her first three-parter featuring a 44-year-old Atlanta man named Jay who has fathered a whopping 34 children from 17 different women. He also adopted nine others. He approached her to try to gain insight in how to relate to all those children and their moms. His issues, she said, were so complicated they had to "fix his life" in three parts.
Other upcoming episodes include a mother who had physically abused her daughter and multiple women sharing one man. Her theme this season: topics nobody likes to talk about.
Vanzant is speaking in the afternoon at Philips Arena on Saturday for 40 to 45 minutes about life and forgiveness, a topic she has focused on lately. She is even doing an eCourse on Oprah.com on the subject. Registration began today with the eCourse starting Oct. 5 over six weeks. Price is $79.99 with $69.99 for early registration.
Each week, according to a press release, "she will guide students step-by-step through a new lesson in forgiveness via custom videos, emails and interactive assignments. This practice is designed to bring students new strength and achieve an enhanced level of greatness."
Credit: Rodney Ho
Credit: Rodney Ho
Here are some highlights from the Q&A my wife and I did with her:
Helen: With hindsight, we can look back and connect the dots. Is there a way to have hindsight in the present?
Iyanla: You're never healing the level you're on. You're always healing the level you came from. So you know things today that you didn't know in your first marriage. Those same issues from the first marriage comes up today. The question is today, how are you going to deal with it this time?... The question is can I use what I learned and what I know now? For some reason,we keep forgetting. We look back but don't bring the value forward. We bring the anger, the upset. We bring the fear.
Me: Is this what you'll be talking about on the stage?
Iyanla: I will look at the value of our lives. You really have to learn what you're good at and what you're not good at, what you can handle and what you can't handle. We have a tendency to forget. Even on 'Fix My Life', okay, you've done a story about mother-breakdown before. But each one has a different twist and a different role someone is playing in the same old story.
Helen: The DMX episode was so heartbreaking because it looked like he didn't learn anything.
Iyanla; It was for his son. Not for him. He's in denial. His son isn't.
Credit: Rodney Ho
Credit: Rodney Ho
Me: I get a sense Sheree Whitfield [formerly of "Real Housewives of Atlanta"] hasn't kept in touch. [In a season two episode, Sheree came off as defensive and unwilling to open up.]
Iyanla: We try to follow up with guests. Her consistent response has been no comment. As a coach, I have to meet people where they are and take them as far as they're willing to go. I can't want it for them. I can't force them into doing what I do. Normally, it's like tenderizing the meats. You have to beat them up a bit, season it. It comes down the guests' willingness. They don't have to have the know-how. I have the know-how.
Me: You sometimes get annoyed with the people on the show but you get over it quickly.
Iyanla: I deal with my guests the same. I just love them. I deal with the issue as it is. There's no issue that can't be overcome. I don't tolerate disrespect of themselves or of me. And dishonesty. Those are two things that upset me. Don't tell me you said something or did something and you didn't. I'm very clear. I warn them early. There always comes a moment when you don't like me!
Me: Why do people even ask you for help if that's what they do?
Iyanla: We live in a society where we're not taught how to deal with our weaknesses and frailties as human beings. We're not taught how to speak to our difficulties and challenges. We're taught the Pythagorean theorem and chemistry and biology and history. We're not taught anger management. We're not taught dissolution of fear and how to process shame and guilt. I've never in my life ever used the Pythagorean theorem!
Credit: Rodney Ho
Credit: Rodney Ho
Helen: I saw your special in Ferguson. You had amazing insight with the young people Do you see something missing in them?
Iyana: I see a couple of things missing. Any society, any community, even in the family, when the elders don't do their jobs, the youth suffer. We have no done our job. I'm saying anybody 55 and up. We didn't teach people the basic things. I grew up where you could not be in bed at noon. That was unheard of! When I was a child on Mondays, you cleaned the blinds. Tuesday, you dusted the knick knacks. Wednesday, you washed clothes with the scrubboard. Thursday, you put the starch in the clothes. Friday, you put them in the fridge. Saturday, you scrub the parquet floors and iron your clothes. Sunday was your rest day. It gave me security. As elders, we didn't teach a system of order. One of the things that shocked me was these young men, 16-17, running up and down the street yelling 'No justice, no peace!" What does that say to you? You have to study. You have to know what happened before. Is this the appropriate approach to this protest.
We are also missing truth. We live in a society that lies and fosters and sells dishonesty at a discount. Remember the line, 'America spells cheese K-R-A-F-T? That does not spell cheese! We tell our kids that as long as it looks good on the outside, don't worry about the inside. Or work hard and you'll be rewarded in the end. That's not necessarily true anymore. We don't tell the truth about certain things. Young people see our hypocrisy. We haven't given them a model to follow. That's what I find in these families on 'Fix My Life.'
Look at the DMX episode, a classic case. Broken home. Grew up in institutions, disconnected from his mother and his father. We made him a hero because he sang good songs and we never recognized he was broken. Look at Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston.
Credit: Rodney Ho
Credit: Rodney Ho
Me: Why did you go to Ferguson?
Iyanla: I didn't like the image of the young men. They talked about the looting. They talked about the violence. Any time in this country when the military has to stand in opposition of their own citizenry, something is wrong. They followed me in the Hummers while I was there. We were walking a store parking lot with military personnel following us around. They say, 'You can't walk down the middle of the street.' We were in a Target parking lot after it had closed. Why are you bothering us?
Me: You gave the chief 14 days to get back to Michael Brown's family about the situation.
Iyanla. The police chief gave his word. But he has not responded in the 14 days. I'm getting ready to make a statement. He didn't report to the family. He didn't report to the community. I may have to go back.
Me: Benzino [a hip-hop producer from "Love & Hip Hop Atlanta"] just happened to be there when you were there, right?
Iyanla: He is a member of the hip-hop community. Six million people watch "Love & Hip Hop Atlanta." He has the ear and the minds of the young people. He made a commitment to rally the hip-hop community to change the message of the music, that it wouldn't be so violent. I'm going to hold him to that.
TV preview
"Iyanla Fix My Life," 9 p.m. Saturday debuting Sept. 6, OWN
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