In the mid-1980′s movie “Back to the Future,” Michael J. Fox goes back in time and has to make sure his parents fall in love and marry, so he will exist. But then he has to come back to real time to save Doc Brown, the inventor of the first time machine.
There’s a lesson of some sort here. We need to go back in time to make sure we are who we say we are, or were. But then we must come back and use what we found out in a better, more productive way.
In counseling with more than several people during these last two years of the pandemic, I find that there is a need to recover what was secure and good from the past. There are patterns of moving away and coming back, or just staying close to home. But with both patterns, there is a need to look back, recover our footing and ground ourselves in the good that was there. The good may be buried in conflicts, political divides, betrayals and even violence, but most people focus on one or two remembrances that are close to their hearts and push them to bring forward the good that they know, finding concrete ways to spread it to someone every single day.
Credit: contributed
Credit: contributed
The memory may come from the feeling of security and safety of sleeping in a feather bed at Big Mama’s house in the front room/living room/ bedroom/fireplace room, with the dying fire spitting embers as it glows.
The memory may be in a favorite uncle’s humor and love as he said, “Now you come here ‘rat now, and I don’t mean no mousy kind of rat.” This uncle may have preached on Sunday, but he loved everyone every day of the week.
Someone spoke recently of a high school classmate who had always coordinated the reunions for his aging high school class. He had been very sick for months, and finally took his ledger and notes to his classmate who helped him, and said, “I just can’t do this anymore, but you can, and it is so important. We have to meet at least one more time. It’s the thing I love the most, seeing all of you again.” He died two weeks later; he was remembered as the friendliest and kindest person anyone ever met.
A scene from the present took hold of another client and triggered memory of an elderly family member who had been in a wheelchair all their life. The scene was three people, two Black, one white, two male, one female, who were gathered on a sidewalk bridge, overlooking a little stream. They were laughing, talking and telling stories. Looking closer, she saw they had all driven themselves there in wheelchairs. She felt guilt that she had not been kind to her wheelchair aunt, and she began to find ways to make amends with this relative.
A successful businessman hurrying to work went through a parking lot where a crippled, old Black man sat on a blanket with his dog and a bicycle, asking for help from those who passed. The man had already passed by, but then turned around, came back and parked, got out of his car and sat down by the man on the blanket, opened his wallet and began talking to the crippled man. This present scene made the client realize how selfish and money-driven he had become, and how it was ruining his life.
The past may hold a “good” that we can see how to bring forward concretely today, or something may happen today that teaches us to go back and change for the better. The security of the feather bed, the jokes of the uncle, the friendly classmate, the friendships forged through common difficulty and the need to give help when asked, all become the “good” that we can find ways to bring into the future.
Dr. Mary J. Dean is a marriage and family therapist in Carrollton.
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