“Where is he? I want to have a talk with him.”
I heard this a number of times during my research at an agency that assists victims of domestic violence. For a year and a half, I observed and interviewed advocates and counselors as they worked on the front lines of a persistent social problem. Every so often, a man would come by the office with the right goal in mind, but clueless how to achieve it.
Typically, he would come in for one of two reasons. Either domestic violence was back in the headlines after a high-profile case like those currently plaguing the NFL, or he had just learned someone close to him — a friend, cousin or sister — had been abused. He would come to the office looking to help, to do something.
As someone who was often the only other man in the building at the time, I had a unique perspective on these interactions. Upon hearing his offer, staff members would reach for volunteer applications and sign-up sheets. But it would soon become clear that this was not the help he had in mind. He wanted a name or an address. He wanted to teach an abuser a lesson.
Once his intentions became clear, staff members would gently show him the door. Tough guys were the last thing they wanted or needed in the office. Yet a part of me could empathize with these men. I could see their confusion. They wanted to help, but they didn’t know how.
If these individuals — and institutions like the NFL — want to join the movement against domestic violence, they must learn what help is acceptable and what is not. They need to learn why offering to “get tough” with abusers is just about the worst idea possible.
First, male newcomers to these organizations need to realize those who do this work on a daily basis have very different ideas about the root causes of domestic violence and how best to end it.
In our popular culture, men who abuse women are framed as psychological deviants. We often presume men who hit women have mental problems. However, agency staff see a much broader pattern.
These organizations do not see incidents of domestic violence as random outbursts or isolated aberrations. They see men’s acts of abuse as the inevitable outcome of a culture that equates manhood with the ability to exert power and control over others.
This is why men who offer to “get tough” with known abusers are quickly shown the door. These organizations see men’s reliance on coercion and fear to get their way as an example of what started this problem.
There is still a place for men to teach other men; they just need to adjust their lesson plans:
• Men’s violence against women isn’t something “other” men do. Incidents of domestic violence cut across racial, ethnic and class lines.
• Domestic violence doesn’t always leave a mark. It also includes attempts to assert dominance through verbal and intimidating behaviors.
•Physical violence is only the visible manifestation of a much larger problem. As long as men see their ability to exert power and control over others as central to their manhood, they will use this tool against foes and loved ones alike.
So men, listen up. If you want to help local organizations in their fight against domestic violence, you need to see the problem through their eyes. Changing other men’s behavior through threats of violence isn’t the solution. Rethinking what it means to be a man is.
Kenneth Kolb, a sociologist at Furman University in Greenville, S.C., is the author of “Moral Wages: The Emotional Dilemmas of Victim Advocacy and Counseling.”
