Neal Boortz: Student columnist must get schooled

Gotcha now, don’t I? You’re going to sit there quietly and read the rest of this column so you’ll see what this major in “magazines” thing is all about, and just what type of person would pursue such a course of study.

Well, I don’t want to embarrass the subject of our little story by using her real name. We’ll call her Prunella. Our heroine is a senior at the University of Georgia and a columnist for the Red and Black, the independent UGA student newspaper.

At the end of her most recent column, “Think before you shop at Walmart,” you will see this tag: “[Prunella] is a senior from Lawrenceville majoring in magazines and women’s studies.”

With such a double major I’m sure the recruiters are knocking down her door.

“Think before you shop at Walmart?” As a matter of fact I do! My thought process is usually something like, “I think I’ll go shopping at Walmart.”

Prunella disapproves. She says that when she walks into a Walmart she sees “concentrated evil.” Not just evil, mind you — concentrated evil!

Our magazine major’s problems with Walmart seem to stem from the fact that many local retailers find it difficult to compete when Walmart moves into town.

That’s the nature of the free market.

Prunella doesn’t explain how she would remedy the situation. Consumers exercising their free choices apparently don’t sit well with this young lady. She is also upset with Walmart because it is a “large unfeeling corporation with (a) major impact on what we buy, where it’s produced and how much we pay.” Please. Whoever it is out there forcing Prunella to shop at Walmart, knock it off.

Somehow, in her column about the “concentrated evil” that is Walmart, Prunella didn’t address the fact that Wal-Mart Stores Inc. donates just shy of $300 million a year to charities around the country. The company also reportedly pledged $2 billion for a five-year campaign to fight hunger. The evil must be concentrated somewhere other than in charitable giving.

Perhaps, then, this is Prunella’s real problem with Walmart. In her column she expresses displeasure that profit-driven corporations “are firing American workers to cut production costs. They then charge American consumers more money than what it took to produce their products.”

Let’s address both of her points. First: How dare any evil “profit-driven” corporation fire workers to cut production costs! Cutting production costs is nothing less than a blatant attempt to improve the bottom line. Don’t these dastardly businessmen realize that they’re in business to hire people, not to make money? After all, potential investors look to the number of unnecessary employees as a surer sign of corporate health than profit and loss figures. Any good woman’s studies major surely knows that!

Second: Let’s erect some gallows at Sanford Stadium so, at the next Georgia home game, we can hang the next evil businessmen we catch selling a product for more than it cost to produce. Prunella must have sneaked into the back of a UGA business class to learn that her next pair of shoes should be sold for exactly what it cost to make them and place them on the shelves of her favorite store (not Walmart) — and not one penny more.

Seriously, folks. Is this what we get after tens of thousands of dollars are spent to produce a college graduate these days? Did her magazine professor see this column before she submitted it to the Red and Black? Didn’t someone warn her that such public displays of economic brilliance can end up being embarrassing?

And the most troubling question of all: Is she registered to vote?

Listen to Neal Boortz live from 8:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. weekdays on AM 750 and now 95.5FM News/Talk WSB.

His column appears every Saturday. For more Boortz, go to boortz.com

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