Our goddesses, rock stars offer Sheen 2 1/2 times the winning

Charlie Sheen, the actor turned cultural outlaw turned one-man tsunami/nuclear meltdown, brings his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat” tour to Atlanta’s Fox Theatre tonight.

Will anyone show up? Will he? Will anything he says make sense? The suspense is killing us. Which is more than reviews suggest Sheen’s show will do.

However ... this being a Southern city, a place of gracious people and genteel manners, we want to offer a warm welcome to the Rock Star from Mars, bless his heart. In fact, he’s sure to find a lot here to make him feel right at home. And we’re not even talking about the Cheetah Lounge. Here’s a starter list:

● To hunt down some of those “trolls” constantly troubling him in court and in the media: Where better to start than just up the road at the Troll Tavern in lovely Helen? The drink list is formidable, including its specialty, the Helen of Troll.

● For a man accustomed to being in the company of “goddesses,” why not visit the Goddess Garden Atlanta? No, not an adult club, it’s a “healing sanctuary for all people, wildlife and spirits” off Freedom Parkway. It’s private, but it’s just $25 a year to join; no problem for a guy who paid a heckler $100 to leave his show.

● Sheen claims to have “Adonis DNA.” But Atlanta has the real Adonis, the Grammy Award-winning songwriter and music producer who has worked with such entertainment giants as P. Diddy, Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey and Usher. If Sheen had that DNA, he’d be at least 2½ times more talented.

● To find out whether he’s really got “tiger blood,” how about a stop at Zoo Atlanta? Its Sumatran tigers are considered “critically endangered,” with fewer than 500 still in existence — fewer even than remaining Charlie Sheen fans. The zoo might not let him wrestle one, but he could sponsor one for as little as $50. And that includes a subscription to Wild Times magazine. Duh, winning!

● “Rock Star from Mars”? We’d say Sheen is a little “Tardy for the Party” with that claim to fame. Kim Zolciak of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” had that title sewn up long ago. If his show starts to drag tonight, he could invite her and the rest of the “Housewives” goddesses up onstage. Some tiger blood would be sure to spill.

Break a leg, Charlie!