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Best quotes from 'Chrisley Knows Best' ('Midlife Chrisley,' 'Dude Ranch') season 3, episode 11, 12

By RODNEY HO/, originally filed Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The great things about "Chrisley Knows Best" is how simple the plot lines are. A five year old could follow it.

Of course, Todd Chrisley sometimes says stuff that isn't really kid friendly but that all depends on your tolerance.

Last night, we had two episodes. The first one, the kids just mess with their dad as he turns 47, making him feel extra old.  In the next episode, Todd goes to a dude ranch for Grayson's birthday, "City Slickers" style and hilarity ensures because obviously, Todd is not a cowboy.

Here are some notable quotables from the two episodes


"When he's 70, we could probably give him his car and get away with it." - Savannah, on her dad

"It’s not getting to me at all. Why would you want to insult the person who has raised you your entire life and given you everything and make them think they aren't as good as they used to be? It's not getting to me!" - a clearly annoyed Todd after he finds out his birthday party was held at a senior living facility.

"Can you tell me how upset I am?" Todd, in a separate rant about his kids' insulting his advancing age

"Not with all that Botox." - Julie

"I don't know where Grayson comes from. Me, Chase, my daddy, we don't camp. We don't go to dude ranches." - Todd, who is nonetheless going to a dude ranch

"I don't sleep in bunk beds. There are bugs everywhere. There isn't even a proper shower." - Chase, in super complaint mode

"We are people cowboys make fun of." - Todd, stating the truth

"I spent money to be this miserable." - Todd, embarrassed his mom beat him in a wood chopping contest

"I feel like I've been in a car accident. I feel like that horse rode me!"- Todd, after the dude ranch experience


"Chase looks like he's going to the country club." Savannah, noting Chase's pink golf shirt

"The only thing that is giving me pleasure is Chase swatting flies. This kid is truly metrosexual at its finest." - Todd

"I wonder where he got it from." - Julie, in a classic rejoinder

"I feel like Carrie in 'Sex and the City.' " - Savannah, sarcastically about being on the dude ranch

"Do you know how low down you have to be when Chase is shaming you?" - Todd, who wants to leave at one point more than Chase

"Grayson is content with the simple life. Or pretend while I'm being tortured by it." - Todd


"I liked this when I bought it... Did you guys shop in my closet?" - Todd, after Chase and Savannah's scheme backfires. They had taken shirts from his closet as "gifts" thinking he wouldn't notice.

"I don't know if this is the place for you or the Bunny Ranch. I have to digest that." - Todd, after his mom Faye offers him boudoir shots of herself as a gift, at the senior retirement home.

"If my kids want me to have a mid-life crisis, I'll have a mid-life crisis," Todd, after getting a motorcycle to get back at his kids, who are embarrassed.

"I actually enjoy torturing my children." - Todd, regarding his revenge on his kids.

"You need to get a Ferrari or a Lambo. You don't need to get your eyes sucked back." - Chase, chagrined after hearing Todd wants to do major plastic surgery based on their insults


"I'd rather you talk s*** behind my back so I don't cut you." - Todd, to Chase

"He doesn't know if he should s*** or go blind." - Todd, referring to Chase, after he tricked the kids by having his face wrapped like he had plastic surgery.

"Chase is going to flip his s***." - Todd, on Chase going to a dude ranch.

"I like to be clean." - Chase, speaking the truth

"The three of them together is slippery as s***." - Todd, referencing his three older kids as they try to sneak off the ranch

"Could I have one moment to tell how I felt so s***y? I fell asleep to the smell of horses*** and woke up to the smell of horses***!" - Todd after one night at the Dude Ranch

"Savannah, I'm going to beat the s*** out of you!" -Todd, after Savannah, who is proficient with horses, gets Todd's horse to gallop with hers

"This hurts your nuts, doesn't it?" - Todd, on the horse, still.

"My favorite thing at the dude ranch is watching you have such a good time, watching Chase step in horses***, watching Savannah on a horse, watching Lyndsie act like she's on a Xanax dip 24/7."- Todd, reviewing the trip to Grayson

1980s reference!

"The only cowboy I knew was 'Urban Cowboy' with John Travolta and Debra Winger." - Todd



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Rodney Ho covers radio and television for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

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