BY MELISSA RUGGIERI
"Maybe MTV figured the easiest way to keep me from performing was to ask me to host," said the ever-classy and demure Miley Cyrus at the start of the 32nd Annual MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night.
Oh, if only that were true.
The tongue-wagging wonder, the first host of the VMAs since 2012, closed the overlong show – a collection of dull pre-taped bits (Miley smokes pot, y’all!), shockingly ugly costumes, a few Taylor Swift wins and a head-scratching speech from egomaniac Kanye West – by romping around the stage with drag queens (fun) while “singing” a new trainwreck of a song called “Do It” (totally not fun).
If you care who won anything at the most meaningless awards show in existence (and galling, considering MTV's insistence on promoting everything except music every other day of the year), here is the list of winners.
Credit: Melissa Ruggieri
Credit: Melissa Ruggieri
And here are a dozen things we learned while watching this year’s production.
- Faux feuds are annoying. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj hugged it out. World peace is restored. But Nicki and Miley…oooh, yeah, that one seemed so realistic, even John Cena would have chuckled.
- No one was really clamoring for the return of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, but if they always bring along Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz, Kool Moe Dee and that slithering scene-stealer Eric Nally, we'll forgive them for ripping off "Uptown Funk" (itself a multiple generation musical rip-off) with "Downtown." Also, there is nothing remotely scenic about downtown L.A.
Credit: Melissa Ruggieri
Credit: Melissa Ruggieri
- Las Vegas has been good to Britney Spears. She looks fantastic. But the girl still can't read a TelePrompTer.
- Miley's hip bones are scary.
- I'm a big fan of fearless comediennes – Amys Schumer and Poehler in particular. But Rebel Wilson yanking open a police uniform to display a censor-happy shirt (nice job with the from-the-neck-up close-ups, camera person) isn't funny. Neither was her lame attempt at chastising the "stripper police," which only wound up diminishing the seriousness of police brutality.
- Miley likes pot. And drag queens. And pot. And Snoop Dogg. And pot. And Mike Will Made It. And pot. Huh. You learn something during every awards show.
- There was an actual singer on the VMAs and her name is Tori Kelly. Seek out her hair-flailing version of "Should Have Been Us" and you'll be reminded about how a song is supposed to sound.
- Kanye West might have a clothing line, but for his rambling, 13-minute-long, stream-of-consciousness speech in front of millions, he dressed as if he were going clam digging in New England. And is there anything worse than philosophical Kanye? Just say thank you and get off the stage, "bro."
- Condoms, they're the new Pepsi. At least it seemed that way from the myriad ads (Hey, kids, ask your parents about that at dinner tonight! While you're at it, ask them about Miley's "Dead Petz.").
- Miley is capable of pulling a wardrobe malfunction. But wait, wasn't there a seven-second delay given her proclivity for f-bombs? Could – gasp – MTV have WANTED us to see her exposed lady part that so it would generate a ton of discussion today? Hmmm…
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