“Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, ones you can depend on?” Those questions were raised by hip-hop group Whodini in their 1984 hit song.
That song has been running through my mind a lot because of a recent incident with someone I thought was a friend. The incident caused me to examine what friendships should really look like. And friendships on social media don’t count since many of those “friends” you only know on social media and not in your everyday life.
“Friends, how many of us have them?” Knowing a lot of people doesn’t translate to having a lot of friends. Maybe some of those people are just acquaintances, people who slide into your DMs on social media; call you on the phone or email you when they want something from you. And that is the only time you hear from them.
Credit: AJC file
Credit: AJC file
The conversation starts with, “I know it’s been awhile but….” It’s exasperating. If you contact them after you do something for them, they ghost you; don’t return your communication; or they respond with an excuse for not being able to return the favor. Look at your list of friends, how many of them do you just know by name? How many of them are “”Friends, ones you can depend on?”
Who can you depend on when times get tough? Fair-weather friends literally change with the weather. If your life is going well, full of sunny moments, they are there to bask in your glory and celebrate you and your accomplishments. They let everyone know you are their friend. But let there be a storm in your life — you lose your job, get a divorce, get arrested — and fair-weather friends evaporate like the dew.
I have a friend, a businessman, who was indicted years ago and I was one of a handful of people who checked on him regularly through calls and emails. Many of his business associates/friends distanced themselves from him. They didn’t want to support him during the trial because they were worried about how they would be viewed by others. After he was acquitted, those same people tried to restart the relationship. My friend learned it was time to do what my mother said to do with that kind of person, “feed them with a long-handled spoon.”
Maybe what Brian A. “Drew” Chalker wrote is true, “People always come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” He explains the difference. When someone is in your life for a reason, “They have come to assist you through a difficulty or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or even spiritually.” The relationship just ends, sometimes through death, disagreement or distance.
When the friend is for a season, Chalker writes that the reason they are there is to bring joy and peace, but it is only for a season.
As for the lifetime friend, Chalker believes, “Lifetime relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.”
What I’ve learned from my recent incident is that friendship should be a two-way street. You get what you give if the friendship is real.
My mother would remind me all through my life, “Tell me your associates and I’ll tell you who and what you are.”
Another of her favorite sayings was “birds of a feather flock together.” Good friends should be good people who share the same values, morals and goals. Good friends help you stay out of trouble. They provide constructive and not destructive criticism. Good friends support you. Good friends know when to talk and when to listen. Good friends are trustworthy. You enjoy the time you spend with good friends. You can be your unguarded self. Good friends don’t try to change you. They accept you for who you are. Good friends, as my mama would say, “are like Jesus, they never leave you nor forsake you.”
All of this led to me asking myself, am I that kind of friend? That only can truthfully be answered by the people I call friend. But seriously, would I want me as a friend? My answer would be yes, but improvement is needed. I don’t call friends as often as I should, just to check in. When I do call, it is usually a long conversation with me being a good listener. And when there’s a major event in a friend’s life, food, cards and gifts are sent. When possible, I’m there for the event.
While writing this piece, I incriminated myself. It hit me that an important friendship trait being ignored by me was forgiveness. We all make mistakes. No relationship is perfect.
Why throw out the “baby with the bath water,” because of a disagreement, even after a sincere apology. “Friends, How many of us have them…..Before we go any further…,” let’s stay friends.
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