Ya know … I had a happy little newsletter prepared for you today.

Now the Braves have me over here consulting the internet occult instead.

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LOOKING FOR ANSWERS

Get lost, man. (Not you Ronald.)

Braves fans were already battered. Bruised.

Skeptical at best, for a third straight season.

Then Jurickson Profar came around and, somehow, kicked us in both the heart and the hind parts.

News of the outfielder’s (alleged) positive PED test and his (pending) full-season suspension hit with all the tenderness of a two-buck tenderloin.

🔮 So I did what all normal people do in the year 2026: Pay multiple people from the crafts site Etsy to perform tarot readings, lift any existing curses and otherwise engage in witchcraft.

The first witch — definitely a real woman in Turkey, as advertised, and not some dude typing stuff into ChatGPT — assured me via email that Braves fandom is a part of my “resilience training.” A mirror for my “capacity to love through adversity.”

Not … untrue. Twenty bucks ain’t bad for a therapy session either. But what else ya got, lady?

• The Wheel of Fortune (tarot card, not game show) apparently suggests “a massive shift coming in the organization’s spiritual DNA.”

Righteous.

• Then there’s The Star (again, a tarot card), which points to “a three-year window starting to stabilize.” A “re-seeding.” A “heavenly transit for the team’s energy.”

🔮 Don’t hate the sound of that. But can we speed things up a bit?

While Turkey Witch deemed the recent Braves curse “an illusion born of temporary darkness,” I didn’t want to leave anything to chance — someone, somewhere definitely sold their soul for the 2021 World Series title.

Cobbling together that outfield and riding it to a ring ain’t natural. And to paraphrase one of the “Avengers” movies, it cost us everything:

• Dansby Swanson. Freddy Freeman. Max Fried. Another season of Ronald Acuña Jr. Probably half a dozen elbow ligaments. Cracked ribs, sore shoulders, ice-triggered finger injuries and a once-proud offense.

🔮 So I found another Etsy witch, this one capable of removing curses.

A grandmother, so you know she’s good.

According to the very official four-page document provided afterward, our empathizing witch chose “the appropriate planetary hour” before lighting a cleansing white candle, lighting up some frankincense and giving Mars — “the guardian of athletes and warriors” — a shout.

There was also honey(?), a medallion and “consecrated oil.”

“I focused intently,” Grandma Witch wrote, “on visions of healing injuries, lifting burdens, and fostering camaraderie and tenacity among the team members.”

🔮 Phew. I feel better, don’t you?

In fact, maybe it’ll be fine either way.

Unlike last season, the Braves are at least equipped with big-leaguers to fill the Profar-sized void.

Mike Yastrzemski isn’t super inspiring, but he’s OK. Supersub Mauricio Dubón can conceivably help out whenever shortstop Ha-Seong Kim (he of the aforementioned ice finger) returns. There’ll be more lineup flexibility when catcher Sean Murphy is healthy.

Heck, maybe the Braves will even use the $15 million-plus they’re saving on Profar’s salary to reel in another respectable replacement. Or a pitcher!

Crazier things have happened.

A MAGIC CITY SURVEY

You may’ve heard that the Hawks are hosting “Magic City Monday” before and during their March 16 game. It’s expected to be a celebration of the iconic Atlanta strip club, kitchen and culture-maker (adult performances not included).

You may also have heard that some folks aren’t stoked about it — namely some San Antonio Spurs player named Luke Kornet, who described the featured festivities as “being complicit in the potential objectification and mistreatment of women in our society.”

Former Hawk Al Horford later posted his support for Kornet.

🤔 While that’s cool and all, I’m more interested in what you think: Is honoring Magic City with chicken wings, limited edition swag and a halftime concert a good idea?

• A. Absolutely yes. It’s Atlanta, man.
• B. Absolutely not. Have some decorum.
• C. No dog in the fight … but lighten up, Francis.

Please vote via our fancy form or shoot me an email. Explanations encouraged.

THEN THERE’S KUMINGA MANIA

New Hawks forward Jonathan Kuminga (right) celebrates a Sunday bucket.

It’s been three games. There’s still time for things to slide sideways.

But man.

The Jonathan Kuminga experience is the best thing to happen to the Hawks since, well, the Magic City Monday announcement.

Kuminga, the former No. 7 overall pick, is playing like he’s happy to be here.

Or happy not to be with the Golden State Warriors, at least.

His single-game stat lines so far:

📊 27 points, seven rebounds, four assists, two steals.

📊 17 points, nine rebounds, three assists, one block, one steal.

📊 20 points, seven rebounds, three assists, two steals.

That’s off the bench — and on 67.7% shooting from the field. Toss in a viral-ish dunk or three and an Eastern Conference Player of the Week nomination as well.

• “I think the biggest thing is that it’s just a fresh start,” beat writer Lauren Williams told me. “He’s playing with freedom and the Hawks’ style of play fits his skills.”

Trade counterpart Kristaps Porzingis, meanwhile, has played exactly 17 minutes (in one appearance) for the Warriors, who have quickly joined the “what, uh … what exactly is this illness?” party.

Again, it’s early yet.

But the Hawks now sit just 2½ games out of the play-in-avoiding No. 6 seed in the East — and the swap makes things a lot more interesting down the stretch.

🔗 Required reading: Four-game win streak brightens playoff picture; Kuminga boosting Hawks’ second unit

THEM BIG BOYS CAN RUN, TOO

Pretty much every football player is fast these days.

In fact, according to at least one report, the collective 40-yard dash times for every position group at this year’s NFL scouting combine were the fastest on record. Defensive linemen are averaging 40s well under the 5-second mark.

But how do you really compare the times of, say, a long and lithe wide receiver and some meaty trench monster?

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty, but it’s called speed score. It factors in weight to calculate power — and when you convert the combine results of all 10 Georgia college prospects who ran the 40, you get some rather interesting results.

• Ted Hurst, the Georgia State receiver best known for catching an upset-sealing touchdown pass against Vanderbilt in 2024, earned top marks.
• Then it’s another receiver, followed by … Georgia Tech quarterback Haynes King and Georgia O-lineman Monroe Freeling?

Wild stuff. But King’s 4.46-second 40-yard dash was among the fastest ever by a quarterback at the combine — and Mr. Freeling clocked a 4.93 … at 315 pounds.

Don’t sleep on Tech’s Keylan Rutledge either.

🔗 Bonus linkage: 3 UGA players ‘made a lot of money’ at combine; Ex-Georgia high schoolers fared well too

OTHER FUN STUFF TO KNOW

⚾ The World Baseball Classic is just about upon us, with the Braves hosting Team Colombia for an exhibition game today (1:05 p.m. on Gray TV).